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June 30, 2014

Who said crafts couldn't be political? Not the Supreme Court. They definitely said that.

1. Set up babies born from lack of contraceptive coverage with some finger paint and let them decorate Justice Anthony M. Kennedy’s stupid, bald, head.

2. Crochet a warm, fuzzy condom for all future male sexual partners. See how fast they change their tune on this bullshit.

3. Use paper, markers, wood, and some staples to create a good old-­‐fashioned, picket sign, just like grandma used to make! (Before 1960 when contraception was a given.)

4. Take old spermicidal sponges that will no longer be covered by your work place health insurance and sponge paint a giant middle finger onto some oak tag. Mail to Justice Antonin Scalia. Don’t forget to decorate the envelope!

5. Take brown paper lunch bags that you have lying around the house and use markers, yarn, and googly eyes to fashion them into silly hand puppets! That’s what you will tell the security guards anyway. They’re actually meant to be vehicles for flaming dog shit on politician’s doorsteps.

6. Gather some armature wire and twist it into the shape of a coat hanger. You know what it’s for. Don’t look at me like that.

7. Make friendship bracelets from embroidery floss. Show them to all the Supreme Court Justices that voted in favor of Hobby Lobby. Show them to them like you’re going to give them out, but then only give them to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Tell the rest of them that friendship bracelets are only for friends. Maintain strong eye contact after saying this.

8. Take old scrap clothing from around the house. Tear into strips and weave into a potholder. Use in the kitchen because that’s all the government thinks you’re good for now.

9. Take last month’s packet of birth control and put a piece of paper over it. Rub a piece of charcoal over the paper to make an etching. Save the etching to show your future children that you used to get covered for birth control in 2014. Then explain that the fallout to this Supreme Court decision is why they were brought into this world.

10. Gather some beach glass and slit your wrists—I mean place into a mason jar with some potpourri. Yeah. The second one. Who am I kidding? Who is going to raise your kids if you kill yourself? Surely not government funded programs. The government’s got better things to do.