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December 05, 2013

Critics say, "It's like rain. On your wedding day. Or something."

Alanis Morissette recently announced that she was turning her massively successful 1995 album Jagged Little Pill into a Broadway musical. Here’s a look at that musical and the highlights you can expect to see:

 • Aspiring singer Alanis Morissette takes a bus from her hometown, Canada, to Los Angeles. She’s going to make it big as a singer, and also “make it” with her longtime crush: goofy sitcom star, Dave Coulier.

• She sings “All I Really Want.” When she gets to the line about being petrified of silence, and then there’s a silent break, the action in the musical stops for 15 minutes so the audience can think about life and stuff.

• Dave Coulier and Alanis meet, and they hit it off. One night, Dave Coulier invites Alanis out for poutine. She thinks he’s going to propose, but instead he tells her that he has a wife and five kids and breaks things off. Dave Coulier doesn’t allow Alanis to react in any way, because he hates being bugged in the middle of dinner.

• Alanis dumps poutine all over Dave Coulier’s favorite hockey jersey. He storms out, and Alanis stands alone on the stage and sings “You Oughta Know” to a man randomly selected from the audience who is tied to a chair.

• The man returns to the audience, leaving Alanis alone onstage again. She sings “Perfect,” reflecting on her demanding father. In a dreamlike sequence, Alanis’s father is portrayed by the same actor who plays Dave Coulier.

• Alanis goes to Dave. They patch things up and Alanis goes down on Dave Coulier in a theater, which is his kind of his thing.

• Dave Coulier eats dinner, undisturbed.

• Alanis returns home to her crappy L.A. apartment. Dave Coulier has left a trail of maple leaves leading into the bedroom, where he lays on the bed wearing a lacy, see-through hockey jersey. As Alanis sings, “Hand in My Pocket,” Dave Coulier puts his hands in Alanis’s pockets and pulls her onto the bed. 

• Time passes. Alanis and Dave Coulier have a fight, but really it’s just Dave Coulier yelling at Alanis for being clingy and obsessive, but she isn’t allowed to say anything in her defense, because he’s in the middle of dinner.

• They reconcile. Alanis apologizes by taking Dave Coulier to a theater, and goes down on him there.

• Everything’s going good until Alanis finds love letters that Dave Coulier secretly wrote to Tracy Bonham, Poe, Liz Phair, Julianna Hatfield, Avril Lavigne, Meredith Brooks, Heather Nova, Fiona Apple, Bif Naked, Ashlee Simpson, Gwen Stefani, Fefe Dobson, some of the Corrs, Alana Davis, and the lead singer of the Cranberries. Alanis breaks up with Dave Coulier and sings “You Learn” to express all the stuff that she’s learned.

• Alanis gets set up on a blind date, and it turns out to be with Dave Coulier. Together, they sing “Ironic,” even though the event isn’t technically ironic, merely coincidental. The two actors then break character to have a 20-minute improvised conversation about the nature of irony. Then Alanis goes down on him in a theater.

• A few weeks later, Alanis wakes up in the morning and immediately vomits. A pregnancy test comes up positive, so she goes to visit a doctor, and it turns out to be Dave Coulier, who became a doctor after his sitcom was cancelled. He’s definitely the father; Alanis sings “Not the Doctor.” To celebrate, Alanis takes him to a theater, and goes down on him there.

• Alanis asks Dave Coulier about what to name the baby, but by that time he’s eating dinner, so the matter goes undiscussed.

• Alanis falls asleep. She wakes up singing “Wake Up”…back in her quiet, safe, and happy hometown of Canada. She remembers that she is a moderately successful teen-pop singer, that there is no such person as Dave Coulier, and that she is married to her high school sweetheart, Bob Saget.

• Alanis goes down on Bob Saget in the theater, the one where Jagged Little Pill is being performed.