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October 23, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Discussing the Middle East during the final presidential debate, Mitt Romney said, "When there are elections, people tend to vote for peace." "Mmm," said George W. Bush. 

Explaining cuts in the number of naval ships, President Obama said there's also fewer "bayonets and horses." What he didn't say was how that's because Joe Biden tried feeding bayonets to horses.

At one point during the debate, Obama said, "Nothing Governor Romney just said is true."  Giving Tagg Romney one more reason to do an extra set of bench presses alone in his basement.

The oldest known survivor of the Auschwitz concentration camp died this week. Said Glenn Beck, "Good riddance, Nazi."

A blimp that read "America Needs Romney" crashed in Florida on Sunday. Bad news for Mitt Romney, as undecided voters love all types of balloons. 

CNN launched a Twitter campaign to convince Hawaiian Paul Hewlett to vote next month. Hopefully they have more luck with that than they do getting people to watch them. 

Lance Armstrong has officially been stripped of his seven Tour de France titles. Yes, but they'll never take his dignity. Because he exchanged that already. 

Of the punishment, International Cycling Union President Pat McQuaid said, “Lance Armstrong has no place in cycling." He said the same thing about Stephen Hawking but for completely different reasons.

50-year-old Evander Holyfield says he's "unretiring" from boxing. This just in: 50-year-old Evander Holyfield is unretiring from being dead. 

In Russia, members of the band Pussy Riot have been relocated to remote prison camps. It's like combining the classic novel "One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich" with a slang term for vagina. 

A 9-year-old was accidentally shot by a relative at a Halloween party because her costume made her look  like a skunk. Meanwhile her brother wearing a sheet pretending to be a ghost was shot for lack of originality.  

Scientists say groundwater removal may have caused the 2011 earthquake in Lorca, Spain. Because if you're going to cause an earthquake just to extract something from the ground, it should at least be natural gas.