Mom, I’m sick of you lecturing me all the time. I am 16 years old. I am a junior in high school. And I am an independent woman. I don’t need you to constantly tell me what to do or not do. Ugh, Mom, can you please stop momsplaining to me?
You are such a momsplainer! You are always so condescending and patronizing and paternalistic. Do you think you need to save me from something or myself or whatever? I am almost an adult. I know things. You’re always like: “If only you understood consequences, Katie” and “no, Katie, you can’t wear that backless shirt” and “Katie! Did you take your multivitamin this morning?” and “stay safe!” You claim you want to protect me, but since when does “protect” mean momsplaining about the dangers of getting into a car with a drunk driver? Seriously, all this momsplaining is getting supes old.
And, like, the actual worst is when you momsplain to me about my boyfriend Kyle. I love Kyle. I will always love him. We are, like, one “I’m going to pick up your little sister from soccer practice” away from doing it. Don’t momsplain that one day I will fall out of love with him because his only interest is DJing. An intense interest in EDM is literally the only thing I am looking for in a guy. Now and always. Also, he is very good at talking endlessly about things like cars and sports and books, even if sometimes I know more than him about those topics and he doesn’t really let me participate in the convo. But I let him do it so he can feel manly because I — unlike some people — respect our relationship. I’m keeping it 100.
Plus, it’s bad enough that I have to listen to my teachers teachersplain all day. They’re all like “the Treaty of Versailles ended the state of war between Germany and the Allied Powers and was signed on June 28th, 1919, exactly five years after Archduke Franz Ferdinand was murdered” and “a quadratic equation is a second-order polynomial equation ax^2 + bx + c = 0 where x represents an unknown, and a, b, and c represent known numbers such that a is not equal to 0 and because it is a second-order polynomial equation, the fundamental theorem of algebra guarantees that it has two solutions, which may be both real or both complex.” and “Katie, you’re not allowed to drive the cars in driver's’ ed anymore because you keep crashing them into walls.” GOD. What a drag to be teachersplained to all day. Do you think I want to come home and deal with your momsplaining too? #NoIDoNot
Why can’t you be more like Dad? Dad never dadsplains things to me. In fact, he almost doesn’t even speak to me at all, which is awesome. He just gives me money and lets me stay out as late as I want as long as I bring him back a hit of molly. Like, one time, Dad found out that I had shoplifted a Kim Kardashian sweatshirt, but he wasn’t all dadsplainy. Instead, he was totes chill and hung out with me and Brittny S while Brittny S modeled bikinis for her spring break trip. He even took pics of us with his phone for Instagram. Because he knows that I don’t need to be dadsplained to. (Side note — sometimes you momsplain to Dad and it is so not cool. Maybe if you stopped momsplaining to him, he would spend less time in the office. Just saying.)
So stop acting like you know so much more than me because you’re “older.” One day, when I have kids, I will make sure I don’t momsplain to them, and they’ll be all like “you’re the best! YAAAAAASSSSS, QUEEN!” and love me so much. Maybe you could learn something from future me.
Also, can I get some cash?