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January 25, 2015

We all could use some help around the house, take these tips from your neighborhood serial killer.

1. Potpourri can be an amazing pick me up in your house. If you’re having guests over it’ll make your home smell fresh and set a mood. It will also help cover up the scent of murder.

2. The holidays are coming up, remember objects left in a crawl space collect dust rather quickly, use garbage bags to help protect your important items from gross dust. We all know there’s nothing worse than a dusty, bloody body.

3. In the kitchen, it’s tempting to skimp on certain tools but remember a good, quality knife will outlast a cheapo one from the dollar store ten fold. As we all know, there’s nothing worse than having to run to the store mid-dismemberment.

4. We all love carpeting, but don’t be fooled, it may look clean but it may not be. A good vacuuming will help make sure there’s no dirty, dust or even evidence hidden deep in the fibers.

5. The kitchen can be a dangerous place, all sorts of things splatter, tomato sauce, oil, warm human blood or even grease! Be sure to keep a roll of absorbent paper towels or rag nearby, but be sure to properly dispose of either, you don’t want to wipe up your tomato sauce with a rag stained with blood.

6. Cooking can be a chore, but if you’ve got a little Barefoot Contessa in you, I recommend use fresh ingredients. There’s nothing worse than attempting to make a stew with day old human flesh. Not only does this give your recipe that extra fresh punch, it helps hide the evidence from those uptight guests who just want nothing to do with eating another human’s soul.