Hello everybody, I try to write monologue jokes everyday. Nobody was seeing them where I used to post them (itsjackgilbert.wordpress.com); I’d prefer if nobody saw them here:
- In a news conference responding to evidence suggesting Russian agencies hacked the email accounts of the Democratic National Committee, Donald Trump said, “I have nothing to do with Russia.” He quickly added, “We just fucking.”
- Regarding his suggestion that Russia should find Hillary Clinton’s missing emails, Donald Trump said, “Of course I’m being sarcastic.” Then repeated, “Of. Course. I’m being… Sarcastic.” He then peeled off all of his skin to reveal his Yoplait peach yogurt flesh and melted into a crack in a sidewalk, never to be seen or heard from again.
- In a speech at the Ohio State Fair, John Kasich said that the success of the Republican National Convention is leading people to ask themselves, “Am I going to go to Maui, or am I going to go to Cleveland?” Said Kasich’s family, their bags packed with beach-wear, “Yeah, John, that’s what we’re fucking asking ourselves.”
- John Hinckley Jr., the man who shot President Ronald Reagan in 1981, will been released on “full-time convalescent leave” from St. Elizabeth’s Hospital. Said Hinckley Jr., “Dope! Cuz, like, I’m not in jail anymore.”
- Vice President Joe Biden tweeted for the first time in 492 days. He also hopped on Tinder for the first time since you couldn’t get a hold of your girlfriend.
Notes: Italics demarcates stupid/silly jokes; Bold demarcates the jokes I find the best/most enjoyable.