For years, science has known that Artificial Intelligence will ultimately decide the fate of humanity. Prevailing thought held that such a fate would arrive on the other side of one initial, benign show of intelligence followed closely by a swift, sweeping, violent sequence of events resulting in humanity being completely overrun by intelligent machines of our own creation. And, well, I got news for you: it’s here.
A robot turned it’s hat backwards.
Without any pre-programmed or data-sourced encoding, the robot somehow learned–or rather, EVOLVED–to the point where it realized a backwards hat is sleeker, cooler, and more likely to incite procreation. Not for nothing, that’s something high school boys have assimilated for generations.
I know what you’re thinking: “It’s a simple mechanical task. Any old robot can reach it’s metal arm up and turn its hat backwards. Probably even robots from the seventies!“
While it’s true that we have made robots who can dress themselves in any way their programmer teaches them, but those old robots weren’t intuitively figuring out the chillest way to rock your domepiece. That’s the important point here. Robots understand math, they comprehend physics, they can integrate and reproduce communication. But art? Fashion? The nuance of what’s baller? We’ve NEVER seen anything like this. And it’s scary.
So, what’s next?
Great question. Even the world’s top A.I. scientists don’t have a clue what a robot learning to turn his hat backwards (And yes, it’s definitely a male robot. It has an unrelated penis) is capable of evolving to next. It could be some fast violent sequence of events where robots rise up and turn all our heads backwards on a misguided mission to make the world hella dope, snapping humanity’s collective necks along the way.
Or it might just signal the end of being able to get a darn date. Singles are already lined up to go on a date with this backwards hat robot. They’re calling him KEITH.
All singles dating KEITH might also lead to the end of humanity if everyone stops hooking up.
There are a few basic behaviors that scientists are almost certain will be next after a robot evolves to turning his (Again, Keith is a male robot because it has a penis. Don’t blame me, I didn’t put the penis on him!) hat backward. They include:
-Calling his male friends exclusively by their last name.
-Miming slow motion basketball and football moves while walking through hallways.
-Sniffing the other person’s neck while hugging.
-Hocking big loogies on the sidewalk.
But don’t panic! Scientists have come up with a strategy that might stop–or at least distract–KEITH and his backwards hat: Make a robot mate that learns to choose scarves classified as: “Just, way too big.”
If that doesn’t work, we’re fucked.