The Carnival cruise I have spent my entire life saving for has gone terribly awry. I awake on a desolate island only to learn that Ryan Seacrest and I were the sole survivors of a terrible crash. You know Ryan Seacrest right? The host of “American Idol” and “On Air With Ryan Seacrest” and “American Top 40” and “E! News” and those New Year’s Eve specials and the short-lived “American Juniors” and the Scope commercials and the producer of the hit reality series “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”? Yep! Him. If you are ever feeling really bad about your unemployment, think Ryan Seacrest, you will feel much worse.
Two coconuts are discovered on the island. There are two of us. I suggest we each eat one of the coconuts. Ryan tells me to stay tuned for tomorrow night’s Coconuts Results Show. I tell Ryan, what, why, that is so silly. It will only take us two minutes to announce who gets the coconuts, why do we have to wait a whole day and devote a whole hour of our lives to this. But who am I to disagree?
Coconuts Results Show today. I got neither one of them. “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter accompanies a montage of me not eating a coconut.
Ryan does not eat the coconuts, instead, he somehow distils them into coconut water. Not sure if that is the correct scientific term but it sounds right and thankfully we are on a desert island with no nerds around to correct us. Don’t really get the appeal of coconut water.
After a long day of building a shelter from fallen trees and Ryan whitening his teeth, I tell Ryan that we should “Seek rest”. I ask him if he “gets it”. He does, but he is not amused.
I ask Ryan if he, Phillippe, Gosling and Reynolds are in some sort of secret “Handsome People Named Ryan” society that is planning global domination. He laughs and tells me of course not. Although he sure avoids my eye for the rest of the day.
I tell Ryan that as a boy I confused him with Ty Pennington often. I try to maintain a light-hearted tone about it, but Ryan is not amused. Did you know Ty Pennigton is 47? For real. I hope when I am 47 people are that receptive to me taking my shirt off. I fell of a porpoise in surprise when Ryan told me this.
We discover an entire colony of indigenous women has been living on the other side of the island this whole time. In an effort to communicate with them to see if there’s any way off of the island, we learn their language and mate with every one of them. Well, Ryan does, anyway. His cries of pleasure are oddly modulated. I’d wondered my entire life if he always talked like that, and it appears he does.
Ryan had an iPhone the whole time. He texts for help. It arrives. Ryan is awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for saving my life. We arrive home in time for Kim Kardashian’s 3rd marriage to the Dalai Lama.