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5Funny
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February 09, 2015
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It’s National Pizza Day and your enterprising ass decided to take the day off on principle. Woo-wee, you lost your job for a fucking pizza. Why don’t you join the tea party next, dumb ass.

It’s National Pizza Day and your enterprising ass decided to take the day off on principle. Woo-wee, you lost your job for a fucking pizza. Why don’t you join the tea party next, dumb ass.

Put your wasted life to good use and make this uglyass eating thing. Post photos to facebook so that your ex-gf can see you’re at least trying.

You need:

  • 1 blank pizza
  • 1 box pineapple-flavored Dirty HippieTM-BRAND pudding mix — NOW WITH VEGAN HORSE HOOF THICKENER
  • An armful of expired bologna or whatever from our discount bin. Take a lot. It smells.
  • 1 x-tra large leftover turkey, which are on sale cuz it turns out nobody wanted to buy fake turkeys for Thanksgiving
  • Brown food tint

Remove liver(s) from the turkey. Food process together with pineapple pudding powder. Drain liquid.

Tear lunch meat into artful shapes, like triangles and shit. Feel proud that you’re finally using your art degree! Woo-wee. Look at you. So goddamn proud. And you can kinda make a pizza. That’s two things! Maybe Sheila will take you back!

Spritz liver liquid on each side of lunch meat. Coat with brown food tint. Throw at blank pizza in an angsty manner. LIKE YOU DO. If you feel like you think Jackson Pollock felt, you’re probably doing it wrong.

Adorn with pineapple-liver pudding. Put it in the fridge until set. Then steam it to make it hot. Whatever. You prolly already messed it up any way.

Serve at your next party. But no one will come.


Esmerelda Q. Jones, Dirty Hippie Coop
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