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December 14, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

A New Mexico prison inmate was reportedly plotting to castrate and kill Justin Bieber. Thankfully from the looks of it, he was only able to complete half his mission before he was stopped.

Russia acknowledged that Syria's government may lose to the rebels. Particularly interesting since they think they still have a chance of beating America to the moon.

"Lincoln" was awarded the most Golden Globe movie nominations for this year. Despite how good of an actor he is, Daniel Day Lewis couldn't pretend he was surprised.

In the UK, the government lifted its ban on fracking. To summarize, the things placed under intense pressure in the UK are: reservoir rock formations and any member of the royal family.

In Texas, a man carved a pentagram into his son’s back for 12-12-12. Neighbors are alarmed since a pentagram looks nothing like the outline of Texas.

For the second day in a row, a fight broke out in Ukraine's parliament. Said one politician who tried to stop the fight, "Gentleman, please! You're acting like Yugoslavians!"

The EU awarded its Central Bank direct oversight of 200 banks. In related news, banks in America have called you a loser and there's nothing you can do about it.
The U.S. Census Bureau is projecting that in seven years, no racial or ethnic group will make up the majority of children. However, white people will still have the majority of children named after types of trees.

Google Maps returned to the iPhone following Apple's much-criticized version of the app. "Okay, guys, they finally listened to us, we can stop killing ourselves," said Chinese factory workers.

Lindsay Lohan’s probation has been revoked. "We can't allow you to keep hurting yourself and others," said one review of "Liz & Dick."

Sarah Palin's son Track and his wife have filed for divorce. Said Sarah Palin, "We always thought Field and him were perfect for each other."