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March 23, 2015

I've never understood the art world and never will. See if you can.

Based in Hong Kong and founded in 2011, the Art Basel art show has made a habit of displaying a wide range of weird shit put together by artists from around the globe. Art aficionados, or pretentious douchebags as they’re legally known, have flooded the gallery to gaze in judgmental awe, discuss interpretations of the artworks and disappear up each others asses.

Renowned Australian artist Sam Jinks has built an extremely lifelike sculpture of a naked woman, pictured below.


Is she holding one in or waiting for just the right moment to let it go?

Sam has been praised for his sculptures amazing level of detail and has a large number of strange perverts vying to purchase it for God knows what reasons. When asked which part of the sculpture was the most difficult to replicate, Sam said “Oh the taint, definitely the taint. I spent countless hours on Google Images, stared at my own in the mirror for days on end and examined as many assholes as I could to get the look and texture just right.”

British artist and rampant butterfly hater Damien Hurst caused quite a stir with his collage, Papilio Ulysses. Damien carefully choked thousands of butterflies to death with a set of tweezers and painstakingly pasted their corpses into the pattern of a giant butterfly.


The only good butterfly is a dead butterfly.

When asked if he felt the artwork was worth the genocide Damien took a long drag on his butterfly cigarette and gently fluttered away. On hand alongside the display for viewers to indulge in were dried butterfly chips, butterfly smoothies and for when nature called, butterfly toilet paper. Damien has stuck to a theme that gained him critical praise from the art world last year when he launched a 1 ton stick of butter out of a 10 story window onto the band Iron Butterfly, killing them instantly.

Finally Xhu Jinshi’s Boat is 18 meters long and 7 meters high and compromises of over 12,000 sheets of rice paper.


Rice paper was used because puff pastry is soooo last year.

On the final day of the exhibit 20 art aficionados (douchebags) will be “volunteered” for tribute to participate in the last stage of Xhu’s display. The tributes will be gassed, ground up with a delicious mix of herbs and spices and served up as spring rolls that utilize every sheet of rice paper from the sculpture.

So there you have it, a random selection of art which proves that no one in the world has a fucking clue when it comes to what art actually is, especially when one of the other displays was a big sign that said “ALWAYS”. That’s it. A fucking sign that said “ALWAYS”. I still don’t have a God damn clue what a Basel is either.