CANADA:NORTH OF THE 49TH PARALLEL LIES OUR GREATEST PERIL
Canada is perhaps the greatest threat of all. Look up. They’re right there. Waiting. Why has no one been talking about securing that border? Wall those Dudley Do-Rights out. If we don’t, we will pay a grave price. For starters, all of our questions will have to end with a confirmation (eh?) and Canadian bacon will just become bacon.
Reasons to be wary:
Some Of Their McDonalds Have McLobsters — McXcuse me? Are you serious Canada? You pompous assholes are trying to class up McDonalds? Unacceptable. I’d rather die than let some swanky Canadian fast-food worker serve me pretentiousness on a bun. I like my fast food like I like my women—greasy and offensive to my senses.
They Have Polar Bear Prisons— Why only polar bear prisons? Is it because they’re white? Bear racists.
Pretty, Boxing Politicians — Canada’s Prime Minister boxes, plus he’s good looking. I don’t think any of our presidential candidates can box. I know none of them are good looking. Advantage Canada.
Hockey: Boxing On Ice — At some point in time Canadians said, “ya know boxing just isn’t dangerous enough, we should put it on ice, eh?” When critics protested saying it was too perilous, Canadians said, “fuck you, we’ll give ‘em sticks too.”
Poutine — Yes, it sounds like a derogatory term for a vagina. It is, in fact, a Canadian delicacy—French fries and cheese curds smothered in gravy. Actually, now that I’m looking at the ingredients it could still be used as a derogatory term for vagina. You see how crass Canadian’s are? Their vulgarity knows no bounds.
Canada Is The Most Educated Country in the World — Edukation is overeighted. I ain’t gone too collage and Im grate. Those canucks with there book learnin can’t B trusted.
SNAKES! — Indiana Jones and I don’t agree on much, but we do agree on snakes. They’re horrific monsters that should be obliterated from the world. Did we learn nothing from Eve? That naive dummy trusted a snake and what happened as a result? She got kicked out of paradise and made it so women have to jettison the lining of their uteruses out their hoo-haws once a month. Terrible. The fact that Canadians embrace these slithering monsters (they have a park devoted to their breeding) is clear evidence of the country’s diabolicalness.
They Eat More Kraft Mac and Cheese Than We Do— Highly processed food is our thing, quit trying to steal it from us. We consider that an act of aggression.