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March 30, 2015

The cast of 'Becker' knows the way the nineties nostalgia wind is blowing. But they are not reuniting. Stop offering them money.

becker cast.jpg

Hello, America. It is we, the cast of the beloved sitcom Becker. We use the word “beloved” ironically. We know what Becker was.

However, we see the writing on the wall. Every successful show from the ’90s is on its way back for a 6-to-12–episode limited run. First it was Twin Peaks, which made sense — that was a huge hit with a cult following even today, and a very unsatisfying ending. Then The X-Files, same deal. Then, today, Coach.

OK, we get where this is going. But look. Before you ask, Becker is not coming back.

We know there’s going to be a push for it. We have been getting weird notes from network execs at our homes and places of business. “Can’t wait to work with you again!” “It’ll be a HECKer of a Becker!” “Sometimes you wanna go … where everybody knows your name, which is Becker!”

That last one is clearly a reference to Ted Danson’s first vehicle Cheers. Even the network executives who want to bring back Becker don’t remember Becker.

But we won’t do it. We’ve moved on with our lives. We no longer Becking.

We have to admit that it is not just greedy network executives at work here. There is also a substantial fan campaign. This has caught us somewhat by surprise, since even our own mothers did not watch the show when it was airing. (We aired after Everybody Loves Raymond, and our mothers liked to tape ELR and rewatch it immediately. Our mothers are all friends.) Apparently, fans have been mailing thousands of stethoscopes to CBS executives in a concerted “bring back Becker” movement.

Why stethoscopes? Is that a reference to the show? Did we play doctors? We don’t recall. We thought we were beckers, which we believe are barrel makers.

We just looked it up and that’s coopers. Well, we’re nowhere.

Also, did you know Becker was barely on in the 1990s? It went off the air in 2004. We could have sworn it was done in like 1997.

Anyway, please leave us alone. We are all doing fine, even Jorge Garcia, who joined the cast in the last two seasons. Jorge has been receiving voicemails from CBS executives in the middle of the night saying “Come back to Becker, you’ve had nothing since Becker,” which, come on, he literally went straight from Becker to Lost.

America, you are scraping the bottom of the barrel of your nostalgia. Even we, who made the barrel, are sick of it. This is the last time you will hear from us. We are about to drive off a cliff to Mexico. Go bother the cast of Wings.