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April 11, 2016
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This in-house feuding between Hillary and Bernie is getting way out of hand. I’ve come up with a perfect solution: Just let Ellen Degeneres decide.

Hey Democrats,

This in-house feuding between Hillary and Bernie is getting way out of hand. Bernie-Bros constantly bickering with Hillary-Heads™ and vice versa, this can’t be good for the cause. I know conflict is inevitable in these elections but before it goes too far, I’ve come up with a perfect solution: Just let Ellen Degeneres decide.

I mean, did you see when Bernie and Hillary were on Ellen? They were great! Both candidates had fun, got serious, and actually acted like humans, and it’s all thanks to Ellen. Ellen will be able to tell us which one is the best candidate. We all must look to Ellen!

You know when you’re with a group of friends and you can’t decide on where to get dinner? Two people really want Italian but one person definitely does not want Italian and another guy, probably named Bryan with a “y,” knows of this one “cool new spot” that you “gotta try” but everyone else is like, ugh not again with Bryan’s crap. And then there’s one person who makes a joke that makes everyone forget about their squabbles and laugh TOGETHER. That person is clearly the coolest one in the group so, naturally, everyone agrees to let the cool person break the tie and decide where to eat.

Ellen is our nation’s cool person of the group!

We all love to spout on and on about the importance of Bernie’s campaign-funding reform and Hillary’s foreign policy but at the end of the day, let’s face it, Ellen knows exactly what we all want out of a democratic candidate. We want them to do a little dance and then have a sweet, sometimes earnest, sometimes lighthearted, sometimes self deprecating, sometimes “lightly saucy” conversation about themselves as an individual and how we all fit into this beautiful country and world. And then have them do another little dance. Ellen is the master at fostering all those things in people.

Ellen is just so great. Real leader material. She’s weathered just about every type of storm an entertainer could have to go through and she’s come out on the other side as this shining beacon of positive energy and thoughtfulness. I mean, this might sound crazy but, what if Ellen was president? Would be pretty cool…

But I digress. Ellen has made both candidates dance! If we’re being honest that’s what we want as Democrats. Not good dancing or even interesting dancing, we just want them to be willing to put themselves out there and have a fun, uncalculated time in front of us. Bernie and Hillary are terrible dancers, but they know it and they don’t give two stones about getting up there as long as they have Ellen on their side. They look to Ellen, we should too.

Ellen will lead us!

And this is not even mentioning how Ellen has successfully “reached across the table” to millions of conservatives who happily dance and cheer and laugh and cry along with TV’s most famous lesbian. Ellen has brought this country together, and she will bring us even closer if she is in charge!

You know what? Fuck it. She’s smart, sympathetic, gets smiles out of the most serious people, and dammit she’s funny. Never mind what I said earlier about how Ellen should choose between Bernie and Hillary. Ellen should choose Ellen! Have you seen her interview with Obama?

That’s what I want it to look like when two presidents are talking to each other!

Let’s put Ellen in a room with Putin. With Kim Jong-un! WITH ISIS!

Honestly, I think Ellen will charm the pants off of Isis.

World peace will be ours!

Bernie sucks and Hillary’s all wrong. I’m voting for Ellen in 2016 and if you don’t agree with me you’re a fucking moron!

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