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September 14, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Starting next week, McDonald's will list calorie counts on its menus at every restaurant. But McDonald's has assured customers that doing math won't result in weight loss.

The New York City Board of Health approved the controversial ban on large sodas at restaurants and movie theaters. "People were upset about what?" said George Washington.

Libya announced it has arrested four people possibly connected to the attack on the U.S. embassy in Egypt. What's worse is they definitely did it.

In related news, Republican Congressman Jon Kyl compared the embassy’s initial tweets to a judge telling a rape victim “you asked for it because of the way you dressed.” "I knew we forgot to tell someone not to use the word 'rape' for a while," said Republicans. 

Meanwhile, protesters stormed the U.S. embassy in Yemen on Thursday morning. Causing Egypt to get embarrassed and complain to its mom about how Yemen won't stop copying it.

The Federal Reserve says it will buy back $40 billion of mortgage debt per month until it sees an improvement in the employment outlook. A smart move since $40 billion by itself would create only 5 jobs on its own.

Democrats are apologizing for using footage of Russia warships during a tribute to veterans. Jon Kyl has already responded by accusing them of raping veterans.

Monica Lewinsky is working on a book. "That could be interesting," said the year 2000. 

NBC apologized for not airing a moment of silence for 9/11, instead opting to discuss breast implants with Kim Kardashian's mom, Kris Jenner. The apology looks good on paper but it just feels too weird.

In protest of pricing practices by Lukoil, 50 Lukoil gas station owners raised their prices to $9.99 a gallon. Though there has to be some way this is actually Obama's fault.

Britney Spears reportedly instituted a ban on alcohol on the set of "X Factor." Otherwise it'd be way too tempting for people to get drunk so they could be around her.