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October 23, 2016

Recent WikiLeak reveals Donald Trump's cover letter for president position.

A recent WikiLeaks release included Donald Trump’s cover letter, written in 2015 when Trump believed that “President of the United States of America” was a position that you had to apply for. The cover letter can be read in its entirety below.

June 16, 2015
Mr. Donald “The Donald” Trump
Trump Tower
25 5th Ave, New York, NY 10022

Re: Being President

Dear person who is poorer than me:

I know what you’re thinking: cover letters are for losers. You’re absolutely right. Applying for jobs is for chumps. So think of this more as an ode to myself. Like a self-portrait, but with words.

I was excited to learn of the opening for the President of the United States position. As you may know, I am always looking for small side-projects to increase my power in an effort to hide my self-esteem issues, and this seems like a perfect fit.

Skfjlsdjfsdjlfsjjljf oops sorry my ego accidentally hit the keyboard (I’m not actually sorry).

Let’s talk more about me for a second. Remember the “You’re fired” guy? Me. Hotels? Yeah, I got em. Respect for women? I definitely have that except if any tapes emerge.

Also, it’s no coincidence that I share traits with EVERY past US president. That’s right. Every. Single. One. For example, I’m a guy. I have twelve fantasy football teams. Second, I was born in America (all presidents but one have been born here). Need more examples? I have it on record from many, many sources that I would be the greatest president of all time. Believe me.

Oh that whole tax thing? Whatever. Know who else didn’t pay taxes? Dumbledore. Air Bud. Luke Skywalker, probably.

But I don’t want you to only consider my past. I want to show you what I would do for our future.

I would do things. I would do all the things. I want to be as clear as possible: all the things will be done.

From foreign policy to the economy, I will _______ to make ________ much better. I will work tirelessly with _______ to improve issues surrounding _________ and _________. So many _________ will have more sustainable _____ because of _______. I really don’t know how I can be more transparent. Also, sneak attacks.

Brb have lunch plans with Billy Bush.

K back.

Where were we? Oh, right. I’m going to build a wall. It’s going to be a yuuge wall. It’s going to be made of starbursts. And Ariana Grande is going to pay for it. I swear she will. We need more walls in our lives. I want America to be the cubicle of the Western Hemisphere.

Btw, Flo from Progressive? Ugly. Had to say it. And I think people will respect me for saying that.

Here’s a list of things I hate:

  • Fun
  • The band, Fun
  • Roe v Wade
  • Crunchberries
  • Spongebob

I will make America great again. You know, like the good ol’ days. I’m talking slavery, the fucking great depression (loved the great depresh), and the days before you could screenshot snapchats.

Finally, if you have any questions about my experience or how much I like Putin, feel free to give me a call on one of my many iPhones (but not if you work for the Washington Post).You can also reach out to my daughter, Ivanka, who will be handling press.

Speaking of hot things: Global warming is a hoax.


The Donald

P.S. Zayn was right to leave One Direction.