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Published April 22, 2012

The Complimenter Who Can’t Be Complimented

-          The best thing about this person is that he or she is almost unremarkable both in looks and personality, but will laud you with such genuine and believable compliments. This person is often almost always single, or if they’re in a relationship, that significant other either a. never comes out or b. is even less remarkable than they are and just stands behind them slouching into a beer. Their blandness and personal exclusivity make them almost impenetrable to  compliment. You’ll feel like shit particularly because you know that most of that person’s relationships exist like this, and sadly, you don’t care.

The Person With Lots Of Hard Earned Cash Who Won’t Acknowledge It

-          This person makes more and is happens to act more happy with their life than you are. Them > You. The person who makes a lot of money is almost always an above-average douche. But outliers do exist. When it comes to the person who makes a lot of money but is also super honest and forthright, it's impossible not to hate them. Your baseless animous towards them makes them that much better than you. But they’re earning three times what you earn and, although you’d call them a douche if they brought affluence to your attention, you’d wish they’d bring it to you attention just so you can stop thinking about it. They never will, and you’ll go home thinking about them.

The Aggressive Smooth Talker

-          Overall, very obnoxious and you can’t help but hate him/her initially. Unlike the other types I've mentioned, this type of person is less subtle. When it is realized that you are a lesser human than the AST it almost never comes without a bar-related fiasco involving yourself. After someone takes your seat while you went to yse the bathroom, you choose to stand rather than make a fuss. The AST, not surprisingly, does not take shit, and stages a showdown with the seat bandit. After a slightly aggressive verbal altercation, the bandit remarkably gives up the seat to you and even embraces the AST for something funny he said. Your pride is checked both as a woman and a man. You look like a pussy. You kind of are. But if you were around any other people this wouldn’t have happened. That's what pisses you off. But also, you should have just asked for your seat back.

The Person Who Sits and Laughs

-          There are people in this world who can just sit and laugh and will seemingly talk without talking. These are people whose laugh is so unoffensive and complimentary to conversation, that it seems like that person is actually adding something to the conversation. This person may or may not be genuine, and your first instinct is to say they aren’t. But you can't help it. It takes you until hour 2 of bar talk to realize they have indeed added nothing to any conversation throughout the night. That laugh is more contagious and often brings on more laughter from others. You begin to assign them as dumb and impressionable. By now, this person has already won. They've said nothing and you resent them. They are better.

 The Person Who Looks You In the Eye When Talking To You

-          This guy/girl always looks you in the eye when talking to you and listens to you like your telling the next century’s greatest fable. This person often manifests itself as the girlfriend of the guy you kind of just met or, if you’re a girl, the guy with ambiguous intentions. He never gets laid and she always just clings to her boyfriend for the last hour of the night. This person has done nothing more than practice proper contemporary social interaction, but you see it as a sign of your own weakness, that's if your prideless enough to admit it. You never see their face, because you’ve been staring knowingly at bottles behind the bar.

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