About twice a year, on the advice of my doctor, I drag my sorry ass to the gym, promptly buy a smoothie, then park myself on a stationary bike that is out of service, and observe the zoo that is a modern gym. And I always see the same ten characters. Always. Without fail. So, here they are …
HAIRY SWEATING MAN.
We’ve all been repulsed by this wet mess. Leaving puddles and hair samples on every machine. And if you don’t realize he was on the stationary bike a minute before you, you are fucked on a level beyond even a burn victim’s comprehension. Because now you are covered in his wet, disgusting excretions, which you’ll smell and feel the whole time you run screaming to the bathroom to try and wash it off. But it never comes off! Absolutely disgusting.
GUY ON PHONE talking loudly about important business matter.
We all know this prick, shouting into his out-dated phone … and we also know every stupid fucking detail about his latest deal going south, and how his lawyer-friend is gonna sue the shit out of that Pete guy if he doesn’t get the papers over to his big important client before six … and blah blah blah. You’re fooling nobody dude. You’re fucking unemployed. And showing your fake ferocity is not gonna make the guy you’re annoying on the Stairmaster offer you a job. Cause you suck.
GAY OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN GUY from Let’s Get Physical video.
Is that ONJ? No, it’s just a gay guy stuck in the 1980s. This cat generally just finished a jump-robe aerobics class, and typically parks himself near a wall mirror, hoping John Travolta shows up. Sometimes he works out with his room-mate, the gay guy dressed as Lafayette from True Blood.
THE LONELY TRAINER.
You’ve all seen this sad sack … in his super-clean, pressed Trainer shirt, trying to be super friendly, somehow everywhere you are, always volunteering some inane workout tip. ”Try not to put the bar-bell on your neck.” Why so nice? Cause he has no fucking clients. Nor will he ever … cause Lonely Trainer is fucking creepy. Probably a sociopath, definitely taking acting lessons, and wanting attention. From anybody. Run!
HOT GIRL IN SPANDEX WHO DOESN’T EXERCISE.
Super-hot girl in tiny shorts and top, who never sweats, and somehow never is actually using any equipment … though certainly flaunting hers. This beauty is not actually a member, but a prostitute hired by the gym to keep you coming … to the gym that is. Her cousin is the male version of her, also known as a Gym Gigolo.
There’s a reason people go to gyms. To see hot people (see above) … and to pretend that they’re going to exercise. Which definitely means … no pull-ups, and no push-ups. Cause push-ups are really hard, and pull-ups are fucking impossible. Which is why pull-up guy is doing them … to let you know two things. He doesn’t have to be in the gym, and you will never be in the shape he is in. Which makes him an asshole.
Fabio is always at the gym. And his hair is still lustrous. But don’t ask for his autograph while he’s benching, or it will end badly. Trust me on that.
“MIND IF I WORK IN” GUY
So, you’re just sitting on the comfy cushion on the Lat Machine, reading e-mails on your phone, a nice 20 pounds set for when you get around to actually exercising … then you hear the dreaded words: ”Mind if I work in?” OFF a guy, super-serious about his workout, staring at you. And you say “yes”, and he says “thanks”, then he gets on, and re-sets the weight at 240 pounds. And guns out ten reps. Then hops off, and says “all yours,” while staring at you, waiting for you to do your reps, cause now he thinks he’s part of your exercise routine. . And he’s right! Cause now you’re stuck doing sets, because he’s judging you! Worse, if he’s polite — or cruel — he may lower the weights for you … putting it back to 20 lbs, and giving you a sympathetic smile. This guy may be the most dangerous monster in the gym.
KICK BOXER MOM.
Very focused, really dedicated to beating the shit out of a bag while the brats are at school, this super-charged martial-arts Milf may never fight the Cobra Kai, but her round-house kicks are the envy of Bunco night, and her son’s friends. She is also the only person who will help you in a medical emergency, as everyone else at the gym are vain narcissists terrified of death.
NAKED GUY … in locker-room who is in no rush to put clothes on.
This guy is THE classic. Regardless of what shape he’s in, fat, skinny, jacked … he’s butt naked. The whole time you’re in the locker-room. Not a stitch of clothing on him (with the possible exception of a tiny towel around his neck), from the moment you get your locker, during your shower, and while you change back into your clothes, comb your hair. And he will talk … to anyone. He has no shame or friends. He may also be the Lonely Trainer, so beware. Do not make eye contact … and certainly don’t wander south. On the plus side, he can cause the unemployed dickwad on the phone to hang up.