Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch is famously terse during the requisite post-game-stick-a-camera-and-a-microphone-in-an-athlete’s-face part of modern sports coverage. Though this part of the telecast is typically mind-crushingly mundane, Lynch makes it a work of genius. His consistently concise answers brilliantly lampoon the absurdity of sports reporters’ inane need to ask the same questions every week (“How’d you feel about the loss?” / “What are you going to try to do next game?” / “How’d you feel after you scored?”) to which the range of possible answers is obviously limited (“Bad” / “Win” / “Good”).
If you haven’t seen the Andy Kaufman-esque performance art that is a Marshawn Lynch post-game interview, I suggest catching up with some of these greatest hits now, such as the one in which he just says “I’m Thankful” or perhaps, my personal favorite, the one in which he just says “Yeah.” Exquisite. He gets my nomination to win a Pulitzer for his satire of sports journalism.
To celebrate the future hall-of-famers’ scintillatingly succinct media strategy, here are 7 famous quotes that have been Marshawn Lynch-ified and, dare we say, improved.
Bill Clinton: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
Bill Clinton-Lynch: “Nah.”
George W. Bush: “Mission accomplished.”
George W. Bush-Lynch: “Done.”
Barack Obama: “On every front there are clear answers out there that can make this country stronger, but we’re going to break through the fear and the frustration people are feeling. Our job is to make sure that even as we make progress, that we are also giving people a sense of hope and vision for the future.”
Barack Obama-Lynch: “Hope.”
Vince Lombardi: “Winning is not a sometime thing; it’s an all time thing. You don’t win once in a while, you don’t do things right once in a while, you do them right all the time. Winning is habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.”
Vince Lombardi-Lynch: “Winning.”
John F. Kennedy: “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”
John F. Kennedy: “I’m thankful.”
Brahmagupta, Indian mathematician: “For ax2 + bx + c = 0, the value of x is given by: For the quadratic formula to work, you must have your equation arranged in the form ‘(quadratic) = 0.’ Also, the ‘2a’ in the denominator of the formula is underneath everything above, not just the square root.”
Brahmagupta-Lynch: “My cleats. Look, they got Nike right here on the side. Also, ax2 + bx + c = 0.”
Abraham Lincoln: “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate – we can not consecrate – we can not hallow – this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us – that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion – that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain – that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom – and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”