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March 27, 2018

This has never been about searching for answers. It’s been about searching for purpose.

Hi there! Oh, what’s that? You don’t recognize me? You don’t know who I am? I’m not surprised.

It’s me: Jeeves from ‘Ask Jeeves.’

Not too long ago I was the talk around town. I was the cat’s pajamas, the snake’s slippers, the bear’s mittens — I was Nintendo 64 in a world full of Nintendos. I was everything. America may as well have just been called “Jeeves.”

Want to know how many mini corn dogs it takes to span from Earth to Mars? I could tell you. Need to learn more about that one scene from that one movie? I was your guy. Need to look up song lyrics? Please, give me a challenge.

But those days are long gone. I’m not needed anymore. So here I am, 68 years old, no job, stubble on my face. Not to mention Mrs. Jeeves left me two years back (for Mr. Clean of all fucking people). I’m a mess.

I haven’t been asked to search for an answer in years. Not even to find out how many days there are in February.

The days are long. Every moment that goes by without someone searching for Lady Gaga’s real name is longer. It’s Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta FYI. Does anyone even care?

There’s nothing like the adrenaline rush of trying to find an answer as fast as possible. What I would do to help just one more person find information on their health symptoms. What I would give to be able to track down a useless statistic for someone’s dumb high school research paper.

Sometimes I’ll get a notification and a smile will extend across my face, only to find out that it’s just another Mac software update. Tell me, have you ever loved something so much, only to have it taken away? No, besides Freaks and Geeks.

For me, this has never been about searching for answers — it’s been about searching for purpose. I was just an ordinary piece of software trying to see the world one search at a time.

Unfortunately, there’s just no respect for white, male, cartoon butlers anymore. At least not in this industry. Nowadays you see folks like Siri, Alexa, Cortana, and even Janet from The Good Place. They get all the breaks. People like me, we’ve been left behind. We’re nothing but flyover search engines.

That’s why it should come as no surprise when I say that I’ve joined the Alt-right.

Oh come on, what choice did I have? I needed to defend my culture. I come from a proud line of butler cartoons. Also, yeah sorry, Chuckie Finster is here, too. That guy is fucking wild. P.S. find me on Twitter @AskJeevesNotLiberals.

Don’t pretend like you care now. It’s too late for that. Why don’t you just go marry Google if you like it so much. I get it, the home screen changes to something cute and timely for each holiday. Whoop-de-doo…

I’ll be fine. In fact, I just started preparing for my Jeeves 2020 presidential run. After all, America loves washed up stars, right? So, until next time.

Fuck your questions,