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August 18, 2017

Catch up with America's Reality Show-est Reality Show

Welcome back, Apprentice-heads! So far, this season has been a doozy (understatement of the year alert). Sure, past seasons of The Apprentice could get out of control. But put it this way: Dennis Rodman wrestling Gary Busey in a baby pool full of scorpions and pudding in the middle of the board room—that wouldn’t even be a top 10 most bananas moment this year.

Anyway, let’s get to the recap:

Paul Manafort


The Donald wasted no time in making his first elimination. Before the season even officially got started, we had a shocker. Paul Manafort, who you may remember as Winter Soldier Shooter McGavin, might have had the business skills to be a contender, but let his quick fate be a reminder, folks: You’re safer vying for Melania’s affection than Vladimir Putin’s on White House Apprentice. Pauly M, you left us way too soon. We barely got to know ya, ya overconfident sleaze (Unless the rumors of the grand finale testimony return turn out to be true).

Michael Flynn


Out like Flynn. Apparently ambition can be a bad thing in the White House Apprentice boardroom. You woulda thought Flynn would be a bigger hit with the Golden-Haired One. The only thing DJT loves more than younger wives is a tough looking military dude, and this guy is a lieutenant AND a general. Did we mention Flynn gets along with Russians? Like really well. Too bad he forgot the golden rule, don’t get caught (or, if you do, deny, deny, and then distract with a one-way tweet-train to Crazyville).

James Comey


If WHA ever had a Ned Stark or a Chris Daughtry, it would be this tall drink of whatever beverage manages to piss people on every side off. Even so, he seemed as safe from leaving the show as anyone. He even got invited on an exclusive private dinner date. Apparently that’s where things got messy. If only there were tapes, not just bizarre threats of them.

Mike Dubke


There once was a man named Mike Dubke.
The communications guy no one’s heard ofke.
Post Comey disaster,
He came right after.
He never got any loveke.

Sean Spicer


The contestant everyone loved to hate. He came in with a bang with his totally accurate inauguration crowd numbers, and the hits kept coming with those Nazi comments. Yeah, remember when those were considered the defining Nazi comments of this show?

Reince Priebus


Honestly, probably just too much of a spelling headache for Don Don.

Anthony Scaramucci


Jersey Shore had The Situation. White House Apprentice had The Mooch. What can we say about the Mooch that he didn’t say already in 10 days of pure nonsense?

Steve Bannon


Bann-on. Bann-off. First rule of business, be indispensable. I guess once Trump absorbs your racist powers, he doesn’t need you anymore.


Who do you have your money on saying goodbye next, gang? Sarah Huckabee Sanders seems safe and is getting a lot of the spotlight. So she’s a good bet. Seems like a terrible time to fire Ben Carson. So I wouldn’t count him out.

Until next recap!