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December 29, 2015

A Millenial Parody of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the Night Before New Years

By Jessica Hopkins

‘Twas the night before New Years, when all through the city,

Not a creature was stirring, not even the ones that’re shitty,

The sparkly outfits were hung, in their closets with care,

In hopes that a person they could hook up with would be there,

The millennials, were nestled, all snug in their beds,

While visions of over-priced open bars, danced in their heads.

My fiancé in her moisturizer and I in my cap,

had settled our brains for a Netflix and nap

When out on the street there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But my drunk roommate, and her ex-boyfriend,both holding beers

With a little taxi driver, who threw them out so quick,

I knew in a moment, they would definitely both be dicks.

More rapid than eagles my roommates coursers they came,

And she whistled, and shouted, and called her ex a lot of names.

On asshole, on loser, on idiot and more

(but to be honest a lot of that was really called for.)

Out of the cab and up the stairs they went ,

And I kept reminding myself, she pays half the rent.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the stairs

The prancing and pawing that still gives me nightmares

She opened the door, her clothes a mess and barefoot

as she cried, “I really DON’T want to hear your input”

Her eyes-how they twinkled!Her dimples how merry!

But her face crinkled up as she realized, she still had so much to get ready,

The Jello shots, the sequins, and how to get home,

The outfit planning or wait, was she wearing mono-chrome?

He face began to worry and strange sounds came from her belly,

It shook when she laughed; she must have just drunk ordered from the deli

A wink of her eye and a twist of her head,

Soon gave me to know I had much to dread.

She spoke not a word, but went straight to the bathroom,

While still knocking each and every one of my heirlooms.

She ran as fast as she could to her ex gave awhistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she drove out of sight,

“It’s 2016, I can’t wait to do this again tomorrow night!”