GREEN BAY, WI –
Like many Americans watching the Charlottesville protests on TV, Doug Abelman, an avowed worshiper of Satan, was disgusted by what he saw.
However, the demonstrations touched a particularly raw nerve for the Wisconsin resident. “Watching these Nazi clowns mug for the camera while pretending to be the embodiment of all that is evil is really pissing me off”.
Desperate Need For Attention
As the head of the local chapter of the Satanic Fellowship Of Green Bay And Eastern Wisconsin, Doug was repulsed by what he saw as the Nazis’ willingness to strut for the camera.
“Their desperate need for attention is, frankly, more than a little pathetic. Evil should be something you hold in your heart, not wear on your sleeve like some kind of ornament,” said Doug. “Hey, look at me! I’m a Nazi! Look at my cool red arm band! Aren’t I cool? Seig Heil, Bro!”
While members of the Nazi party made headlines around the world rioting in the streets, low-key Satan worshipers like Doug remained out of the spotlight, quietly going about their business of serving Lucifer, Archfiend of Hades.
Putting In The Work
Doug, an IT programmer at a local software company, typically begins his day by getting up at 6AM and having a bowl of Wheaties with milk. He then dutifully moves on to practicing his satanic rituals for what can be an hour and a half each morning, sometimes more.
“A lot of people talk about evil, or make a big show of looking evil, but it’s people like me who are actually doing the hard work every day to bring the eternal reign of darkness into being.”
“I worship Satan because I care about this universe. It’s not a hobby. It’s a full time commitment,” Doug said earnestly.
“Do I wish I could just go to the movies whenever I want – like I’m sure these Nazis do? Of course. But when it’s time for me to recite a passage from the bible backwards while drinking goats milk from a ram’s horn, then that’s what I’m going to do. I am in it for the long haul, not to stroke my ego on national TV.”
Keeping It Low Key
Like most Satan worshipers, Doug maintains a low profile.
“We don’t make a big public display of worshiping Mephistopheles, Supreme Angel Of Darkness. We let our evil speak for itself.”
“If someone is curious, we’re happy to describe the joys of serving Beelzebub. But we’re not about to prance around in the streets with an air horn and some goofy flags like a bunch of game show hosts. I mean, have some dignity, will you? Do you have to jump up and down like a little girl who got their first Barbie doll just because there’s a camera present? I’ve seen more self-control at a free sample party for Depends adult diapers.”
New Followers, But At What Cost?
Although Doug agreed the media attention might help the Nazis recruit more members, he questioned whether they would stick around. “What kind of followers will they be? Egomaniacs looking to get their 15 minutes of fame?“
"Satan worshipers have standards. You won’t catch us parading around on TV like some kind of dancing bear just to get attention. We have our self-respect. And of course, more importantly, Satan has his self-respect, too.”
Fire And Despair
“I think I speak for the rest of the Eastern Wisconsin chapter when I say: as far as we’re concerned, the Nazis can have CNN and Fox. We’re happy to work in the background, hastening the coming of everlasting darkness that will envelop the earth in fire and despair, using neon-colored posters on telephone poles that we write out by hand.”
“Besides, let’s face it,” Doug shrugged. “We all know the fake news media is constantly pushing the deep state Christian narrative. So, it’s not like they would put us on prime time, anyway.”
Your Trusted Source for Faux News