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December 14, 2014

According to a recent study, men are hoarding all the stupidness.

A recent study on The Darwin Awards found that, on the whole, men are much stupider than women. As a dumbass myself, I found these results startling, embarrassing, and startling.

You see, this study made me realize that for too long I’ve been breaking my leg jumping off the roof onto a trampoline, enjoying Adam Sandler movies, and missing appointments because the 1 on my clock looked kind of like a 7 but it turned out there was like this little piece of paper in front of it but I still thought it was a 1 for some reason and just…taking it for granted. This is completely unfair. It’s time for us to face some very uncomfortable facts, fellow idiots: being a dumbass has a gender problem.

I have not read the study. Do you “read” a study? Or just look at it or something. I’m not even totally sure it exists. But I saw a headline, and it’s bad.

I mean, think of a woman in my same position. Imagine the struggle of a female dumbass who sees something and has a truly asinine, backwards, inappropriate, and misinformed comment to make about it. She will be forced to keep her mouth shut because she will never have thought of the comment in the first place, because she’s actually smart and not a dumbass. She can’t be stupid just cus she’s smart? That sounds pretty dumb. But a woman wouldn’t even know that, cus she’s too smart. Are you as confused as I am? No. And that’s the problem.

The sad thing is, there are tons of female dumbasses out there. I mean, no matter how you lean politically, you have to admit Sarah Palin is one of our finest morons. Truly and thoroughly an inspiration for any girls out there who think to themselves, “Hey. Maybe I can completely misunderstand reality.” Boys too, frankly. But does the media give her credit for exactly how much of a dumbass she is? No. Not by a long shot.

And she’s not alone. There have been many amazing dumbasses who happen to be female. Marge Schott, Jessica Simpson, Michelle Bachmann, Jenny McCarthy, Marie Curie (this girl I went to college with, not the scientist), Amelia Earhart, Joyce Carol Oates, most of the cast of the sitcom C.O.P.S, Mother Teresa, and my upstairs neighbor Donna, just to name a few.

These are the women brave enough to take on the chauvinism in dumbass culture and say, “uhh maybe vaccinating babies isn’t such a good idea.” But there are countless others out there that might have some stupid shit to say, but are too afraid of looking silly to look dumb. Don’t be afraid anymore! Dive on in! The water’s fine, and very shallow.

And guys, you can help too. The next time you’re about to walk out into traffic without looking, or light yourself on fire, or show everyone a cool trick you can do with a handgun, grab your girlfriend and bring her along too! Or not. Don’t listen to me - I’m nearly retarded.