This is in reference to the Funny Or Die “What Is The Best Sport?” bracket!
Look out goofballs, this fucker’s getting serious. The pretenders of Funny or Die’s #BestSport Tournament have fallen away and the big hitters are still breathing easy after three rounds of hardcore Sports Action! But Wait! There are still a few surprises left up this bracket’s sleeve because #BestSport tournaments, much like life, don’t follow no script.
*I’d like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that I will be presenting a big check for $100 to the winning sport. That is all.*
ROUND 3 FINAL SCORES
Reverse Slam Dunk Region
1 Basketball 76%
6 Bowling 70%
Headball Upper 90 Region
1 Soccer 70%
14 Capture The Flag 28%
Bo Jackson Playing Baseball Region
1 Baseball 67%
11 Snowboard 37%
Bo Jackson Playing Football Region
1 Football 58%
11 Surfing 70%
They Are Who We Thought They Were!
Once again, the 5 sports you thought would survive easily, survived easily. For all the early round upsets of pretty popular sports like Golf and Tennis and Track and Field and Cricket, the Top 5 have done exactly how we thought they would. Proving once and for all that we could have started the tournament with just those 5 and probably would’ve gotten the same results…
We Could Get The Hell Out Of Dodge, But Why Would We Wanna?
Apparently, there’s still room in a post-Vince Vaughn-Is-Money-In-
The-Blockbuster-Bank world for the sport of Dodgeball as it has taken out Cricket, Bobsled, and Snowboarding on its way to the “Athletic 8.” Dodgeball now takes on America’s pastime, Baseball. For the integrity of this tournament and the integrity of America as a nation, we are all holding our breath, awaiting the outcome.
*TRENDING UP: Balls!
All but one of the “Athletic 8” teams are ball-(or puck, aka a “Canadian ball,” which is basically a hard ball that just got squished) based and that certainly isn’t a surprise: Sports fans love balls! When you think about it, though, it does seem pretty arbitrary that we have boiled our favorite athletic endeavors down to moving a ball from one place to another without your opponent stopping you somehow. Life is wild like that!
*TRENDING DOWN: Individualism!
All but two of the “Athletic 8” Sports are team sports, which makes sense for three main reasons:
1 Millennials love teamwork
2 It’s easier to have an undying, fevered passion for a team than another adult who is probably younger than you and definitely more successful than you’ll ever be.
3 Socialism is a cultural inevitability.
MATCHUP 2 WATCH
Soccer Vs. Hockey
This is the matchup that will choose the international vote. Americans have reluctantly embraced both of these sports despite the fact that the U.S.A. doesn’t dominate either, which has forever caused an undeniable, if also unspoken, friction between these sports and the nation as a whole. The #BestSport Tournament is an international tournament though, so there are definitely enough undecided votes on the other side of the Atlantic/Pacific to carry the winner of this matchup into the Finals and, who knows, maybe to win the whole damn thing despite what Uncle Sam thinks.
UPSET 2 WATCH
Lil Sport that could, Dodgeball, taking down the sleeping giant, Baseball.
There was no way to predict that Dodgeball would get this far but, here we are. Baseball has shrugged off all competition to this point and they are most definitely looking ahead to what would be a generation-defining matchup with Basketball in the next round. So if there were ever a chance for a little sport that could to force the world to rethink what the four best sports are, this is that chance. Will Dodgeball snag it up or will they be crying on their way home to Arizona or wherever Dodgeball is from (I’m pretty sure it’s Arizona).