I’ve been Donald Trump’s secret mistress for the past 10 years, but I can’t keep quiet anymore. Pressure from the mainstream media and my own guilty conscience has become too much to bear. The collection of model trains I’ve amassed during our time together is so impressive I simply must share it with the world.
Donald and I first met while I was working as a lighting designer on the set of The Apprentice. At the time, I would say my collection of model trains was average at best - just two or three small sets I would arrange in the basement. In between takes, he approached me and began flirting. He was very forward and yes, like any young, impressionable girl in that situation, I wondered “Should I show him my model trains?”
We began to meet in secret (he was married with no model trains at all). If you don’t mind the slight tangent, some of the things he said during our time together were among the most vile, hateful thoughts I’ve ever heard given voice. I remember one in particular. Anyways, Donald began giving me money to build my model train collection into an empire. With funds he hinted he received “from a friend overseas” (I didn’t ask), I was able to finally afford the good stuff: Bachman steam locomotives, individually-customized, hand-crafted figurines, The Williams Union Pacific Scale 44 Caboose!
We continued this way for years. As I earned his trust, Donald began asking me to take care of personal favors he wanted off the record. For instance, I handled his tax returns nearly every year. They were insane. Here’s something you might like to see:
Tax Deductible Amount - $6,000
Purpose - Donation to Lockhart Non-Profit
That’s the money Donald gave me for just model trains! Obviously, that info wasn’t photocopied from his 1040. The full form would have included ALL of his donations, income, etc. and I’m just trying to show you: with proper investment, my collection was becoming quite respectable. I now felt comfortable traveling to model train conventions and rubbing elbows with some of the best modelers in the community.
Everything changed, however, when Donald became President. He said it was important the Press not find out about my trains or our affair or something - I was distracted constructing a covered bridge at the time. After he was elected, he began visiting late at night in states of extreme anxiety.
“They’re getting close to me, baby,” he’d say, pale and shaking, “I don’t know how much longer I can keep my secret.”
Before he could say anything else, I’d relax him by taking him on a journey through a world of model trains. By this point, they went all over the room - over and under each table, through the walls, making small stops in miniature towns and lake-side resorts. There were multiple lines all running on a strictly-adhered-to timetables, with their own brands of locomotive. There were even regular passengers for each train, on their way to catch a connection to adjoining rooms.
Still, he tried to speak: “But you don’t understand, I’ve committed-”
“Shh shh shh,” I’d say, “Just look at the trains.”
Now I have over 30 train sets! Honestly, I’m really proud and I want to start showing people. If any press outlets are interested in covering my extensive model train collection (which I believe is world class), I can found in the basement of the White House (by appointment).