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November 20, 2011

Back with more Update jokes


The New York Mets have announced that they will be bringing in the fences at Citi Field next season, as their players were finding it too hard to hit home runs. They are also introducing a number of morale building trophies, like cleanest uniform, and cutest smile!

Just in time for Christmas, a consumer watchdog group has released a list of the 10 Most Dangerous Things to Give Your Child This Year. And topping off the list at #1... was the name Eugene

Poor Eugene...


A New York man has sued the photographer of his 2006 wedding demanding that the photos be retaken, because like the Corinthians passage goes: Love is patient, Love is Kind, Love has 5 years before the statute of limitations expires

The girl who claims Justin Bieber is the father of her child is not backing down this week, saying there is at least a 50/50 chance that the child is his. Because just like everything else Bieber does... the sex was featuring Usher

Former Penn St. Defensive Coordinator Jerry Sandusky broke his silence this week to deny all the accusations against him...although it didn´t help that he referred to himself as the `receivers coach´

A grade school teacher in New Jersey has gotten herself in trouble after she was overheard in a bar saying she had lost control of her misbehaving students, and that they were all future criminals. Although I´m preeeetty sure it´s against the law to bring your students to a bar...

Gun clubs in Texas that run the licensing course necessary to own small, concealable weapons, are saying they will not allow Muslims to take their classes. So congratulations Texas...you just convinced the Muslims to buy bigger guns than you!

The gun clubs are insisting that the decision was for safety reasons...but they probably could have just kept an eye on the guy in the Plaxico jersey instead


Herman Cain has asked The White House for the assistance of the Secret Service, so he doesn´t get hurt while on the campaign trail. While Rick Perry has asked for their assistance in the bathroom, so he doesn´t hurt himself while doing up his own zipper

New York is attempting to pass legislation that will be stricter on homeless men seeking shelter. The new legislation is aimed at making sure the men are actually homeless, not just looking for a place to sleep. To verify that a man is indeed homeless, shelters will require two pieces of identification, and a picture of his dead wife.

President Obama has asked the Chinese government to play by the rules when it comes to the economy and protecting U.S. patents...Which is kind of like asking Mr. Moneybags to let you win First Place in the beauty contest just this once...


Tiki Barber’s marriage to the former NBC intern, who he left his pregnant wife for, has been delayed until he can reach a settlement with his ex-wife. She is demanding the house in the Hamptons from Tiki, and a non-fat latte and copy of The Times from his girlfriend.

Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski has broken the record for most all-time NCAA wins...so juuuust to be safe, we should revoke the whole campuses shower privileges

After an insensitive tweet about the Penn St. scandal caused an uproar, Ashton Kutcher has handed control of his twitter account over to his management team. This comes only one month after he was forced to give his management team control over his penis

Mike `The Situation´ Sorentino from Jersey Shore is suing Southern California clothing company Abercrombie & Fitch...only instead of the traditional courtroom, this case will be settled by a beer pong tournament, judged by Matthew McConaughey 

Italian clothing company Benetton has come under fire for using a picture of the Pope kissing a man in one of their advertisements. If you think that´s bad, wait until you see what they have planned for Fashion Week!


Parents in Los Angeles were outraged when a grade school allowed porn star Sasha Grey to read to, and spend time with the children. It wouldn´t have been that bad, but they let her do the hiding during capture the flag...


For Fat Neil Update I'm Fat Neil, Goodnight, and #PopPop!!!