When news broke that directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller had suddenly dropped out of the upcoming Han Solo movie, everyone wondered who would take their place. Though Ron Howardwas ultimately chosen, plenty of other directors submitted their pitches in the hope of putting their unique spin on the Star Wars franchise.
Han and Chewbacca laze around the Millennium Falcon in gauzy nightgowns, gazing longingly at the stars and feeling the ennui of being young and lost in space. John Williams’ score will be replaced with a melancholy Aphex Twin cover.
Lando Calrissian and Han Solo are two foul-mouthed bounty hunters with a witty repartee, cruisin’ through the galaxy with the Falcon’s top down, blasting Elvis Presley. Chewbacca is a heroin addict who uses the n-word with impunity.
The young and naive Han Solo travels to the planet Kashyyk in an attempt to live amongst the Wookiees, longing to commune with these wild creatures perhaps as a reaction to his inability to connect with his fellow man. Trusting these beasts too much, he is eventually mauled to death by the mercurial Chewbacca, demonstrating nature’s brutal indifference to mankind’s passions.
We open on a prologue written in loopy handwriting on Chewbacca’s personalized stationary. The interior of the Millennium Falcon is covered with vintage pastel wallpaper. Han Solo plays with a cup-and-ball while describing his estranged, withholding father a brisk deadpan to Chewbacca, who stares blankly into the middle distance, a cigarette dangling off his bottom lip.
M. Night Shyamalan
Twist ending! Han is a hallucination of Chewbacca’s mind brought on by the crushing loneliness of space travel.
Axel Braun (Director of Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody)
Han Solo and Chewbacca are two young dudes on the prowl for some hot space tail. Emilia Clarke and Thandie Newton play TA-TA and X-69, two horny bisexual protocol droids.
If anyone is going to destroy this movie, it might as well be me.