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August 08, 2010

I watched “Predator” recently and took notes on what is one of the best pop-culture references in my utility belt full of them.  The minute marks aren’t exact, but you have to remember I was watching this on cable T.V.  And I’d had a few drinks.

4 Minutes in: Arnold Schwarzenegger lights up a stogey the size of a baseball bat.  This begins a trend of tobacco use that would make the Marlboro man proud.  They use more tobacco in this movie than bullets.

5 Minutes in: Arny and Carl Weathers (AKA Apollo Creed) give each other the longest man-shake in cinematic history.  Ang Lee thought there was a little too much time spent with guys touching guys in this scene.  However, this powerful handshake is so massive and strong it causes the January 12th earthquake in Haiti.

(thanks to Dylan for the link)

10 Minutes in: Jesse the Body delivers the most poetically moronic line in all of cinema when he claims that chewing tobacco will make everyone into a “god damn sexual tyrannosaurus.”  He slaps 5 w/ the other former governor in this movie.  I begin to wonder how Dave Heineman got elected with such small pecs.

13 Minutes in: the elite soldiers paint up for battle.  They look more “children’s museum” than “mercenaries of doom.”

21 Minutes in:  Billy, the Indian tracker, sets his ethnic group back 20 years by getting his racial stereotype on.  Somewhere John Wayne’s ghost is very proud.

27 Minutes in: Jesse the Body pounds down what has to be his 8th can of chaw.  I become concerned that he’s actually just chewing steroids.

30 Minutes in: Arny’s face-paint is coming off, smearing like a drunk girls lip-stick

31 Minutes in:  Arny’s facepaint is miraculously back.  The film’s editing crew was undoubtedly too busy trying to edit out the casts’ copious ‘roid needle-scars to notice their faces.

34 Minutes in: The Predator’s Point of view is shown.  I realize that I’ve been drunk enough that my eyes have seen the world just like that on several occasions.

35 Minutes in: Jesse the Body hammers down more chaw.  My TV gets cancer of the mouth.

38 Minutes in: the unit invades the enemy camp.  They kill roughly 9,000 enemies in 20 seconds.  They blow up every grass hut & guard tower on the planet.

42-48 Minutes in: the bad guys suffer more casualties than the Russians in WWII.  4 of the best lines in the movie are hurled at us with alarming rapidity.  1.  “That sonofabitch is dug in like an Alabama Tick” – Jesse the Body.  2.  “Stick Around” – Arny, after macheting a guy to a pole.  3.  “Knock knock” – Arny, blowing guy out window. 4.  “I aint got time to bleed.” – Jesse the Body

55 Minutes in: Jesse the Body is dead.  I can’t tell if the Predator got him, or if he’s finally OD’d on Redman

63 Minutes in: Somehow, clearly in the heat of battle, all but 2 of the cast have decided that a rainforest is the perfect place to shirtless.

66 Minutes in:  An ad for some kind of Penis vacuum comes on.  I wonder why erectile vacuum ads don’t need to be edited but “Predator” does.

66.25 Minutes in: I no longer wonder about the penis vacuums but, rather, what kind of people are up this late watching T.V.  I contemplate banging my head against a wall until I forget that I have seen the ads.

67 Minutes in: I try not to wake my girlfriend up from her spot across the room as I watch old people slow-dance in preparation for nasty, vacuum-induced sex*.

* Author’s note:  I’m sorry.

73 Minutes in: Arny’s face-paint changes for the 3rd time.

76 Minutes in: I realize Chris Johnson shares a hairstylist with the Predator.

82 Minutes in: Carl Weathers gets iced.

83 Minutes in: in my favorite moment of nonsense in the entire movie, Billy the Indian Tracker rips off his medicine bag and machetes himself in the chest.  Clearly he’s learned the ancient fighting secret that you fight better if you’re injured.  Needless to say Billy is murdered nearly instantaneously.  I firmly believe the scriptwriter had this conversation with the director.  Director: “We need to kill off Billy.”  Writer: “Alright, let’s huff some paint and then decide how to have his character die.”

84 Minutes in: Arny screams in agony, “Get to tha Choppa!” And forever gives me a shitty movie line to impersonate while intoxicated.  I realize that I owe Arny and that my girlfriend probably hates him for the very same reason.

94 Minutes in: Arny begins construction on the most elaborate booby trapping system possible.  The Predator, apparently, decides to hang out in a tree and carress his skulls.  I wonder how you say, “alas poor Yorick, I knew him well.”  In Predator.

98 Minutes in: Arny coats himself in what appears to be doo-doo, lights a massive fire and screams like a roid-raged version of George of the Jungle.  His HGH’d up fit of pure rage seems the most natural moment of his time on-screen.

110 Minutes in: I realize I haven’t been writing enough.  Let’s chalk this up to Arny’s tour-de-force as a leading man.

112 Minutes in: The predator takes off his gear, making himself weaker.  I wonder if he learned how to fight from the same guy that taught Billy.

114 Minutes in: The Predator screams and it’s mouth reminds me of a Lobster’s face.  I immediately want Red Lobster.

114.15 Minutes in: I realize I need to lose weight.

115 Minutes in: The Predator slaps Arny around and demonstrates that he actually learned how to fight from Chris Brown.

117 Minutes in: Arny springs his masterfully hidden booby trap with a shit-eating grin.  I get the sickening sensation that it’s still only the 2nd best booby trap he’s ever laid.  The first?  Ask California how he did as Governor.

120 Minutes in: The thrill-ride is over.  Arny’s career blooms as he stars in blockbuster action movies like “Twins” with Danny Devito and “Junior” in which he plays a dude that becomes pregnant.


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