Ex-News-sive! Press Release, Nov 7 2012: (This is a fake news story)
NJ Governor Chris Christie released a statement last Monday afternoon with his own ‘Hurricane Sandy Storm-prep guidelines”. The guidelines, however, printed below, were criticized by FEMA, who said “these items are not essential… to anyone.”
“Look, you guy s are gonna need to prep for this. Don’t be stupid. DON'T BE. GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. NOW. DON’T BE STUPID! YOU’RE AN IDIOT! RUN TO THE STORE. RUN TO SHOP-RITE. RUN TO WALMART. Or better yet, SAM’S CLUB. Get food IN BULK. You’re gonna need to weather this storm, and better to do so with some tasty treats.
1 Giant 20 lb pumpkin
Lot's O' Cream cheese
1 BIG jar of mayo
10 sticks of butter
1 Edy's Pumpkin Ice Cream
1 Tub of Crisco
1 Pumpkin Regular Pie
1 Pumpkin Cream Pie
Lot's O' Leinenkugel's Oktoberfest
Phase One, Step 1: Begin The Carving Of The Pumpkin.
Step 2: Take the carved pumpkin and put it on a baking sheet, slathered with mayo. Roll the pumpkin on the sheet, making sure to cover every inch. This bakes and seals in the mayo to the outer tasting regions.
Step 3: Heat oven to 400 degrees of delicousness.
Leave in for 10 minutes or so, give and take.
Phase Two, Step 1: Take that badboy out… then you will begin The Filling Of The Pumpkin.
Step 2: Dump in some pumpkin regular pie.
Step 3: Dump in the cream cheese.
Step 4: Melt 10 sticks of butter in the microwave. After, coat the outer edges of The Pumpkin with butter using a Butter-Brush, and dump in the remaining golden goodness into The Pumpkin. (IMPORTANT: Remember that you can eat any extra sticks of butter you may have while preparing as an appetizer!)
Step 5: Add the tub of crisco, Edy’s pumpkin ice cream, and Leinenkugel's Oktoberfest all AT THE SAME TIME (IMPORTANT).
- Then... You've got yourself a Christie Pumpkin. You're welcome. I consider this to be better than any filled-dessert I've ever had. It's a lava cake to the gazillionth power. Note: Hurry and eat it before the weight of the inside collapses the foundation!!!
Other snacks to have in supply:
Ben and Jerry’s (hurry, they have a 2 for 5 bucks sale at I.G.A. And get their ice cream, not that girly fro-yo shit)
Snowballs (those coconut things)
Krimpets of some kind (butterscotch, jelly, it’s aaaaaallllllll good ya know what I’m sayin?)
Prep tips for this snacks -
I usually like to dunk the snowballs in dr pepper or barqs root beer or sumthin. Also, ANY ice cream is really good combined with some ‘Pep, trust me on that. Not sure why they don’t have Dr Pepper floats at more places. This is something I MAY pass legislation on…. IF I can get the support of the stupid dum-dums on my committee. (Dr Bob is ok too, available at any Giant supermarket. Or Dr Thunder at Walmart, come to think of it. But nothing really tastes quite like the ‘Pep. Actually you know what? As Governor of New Jersey, I am officially endorsing Dr Pepper as Soft Drink of New Jersey!!!!
….contact me Pepper spokespeople, I want free Dr Pepper delivered to my home and office.)
This ‘storm-prep’ guidelines list was since dis-owned by Christie, after heavy criticism and mockery by late-show monologues. It was, however, endorsed by director Kevin Smith. Christie did tweet the following yesterday at 3:30 am:
“Eating as many Krispy Kreme donuts as I can as a tribute to all the victims of Sandy? …. Uh… Yup.”
Christy was since wheeled out into New Brunswick Medical Center, where he had his stomach pumped due to having a Krispy-Stroke, (trademarked by Krispy Kreme). He had a message to the victims of Sandy while on the gurney:
- “Stay strong. This storm may have knocked me down, but my willpower is TOO strong. I’m gonna see this through, just like an american should. Take THIS as an example of the AMERICAN WILLPOWER. DON’T BE STUPID! DON’T BE AN IDIO….” Christy then collapsed while his hand held a glazed krispy kreme donut firmly in a death grip.