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March 17, 2013

Everybody knows that rest homes are a hotbed of orgiastic sexual mayhem...some people just can't deal with it.

Dear Juan,

My dad passed away a year or so ago and we had to make the difficult
choice to move my mum into a retirement community.

I went to visit her last week to see how she was getting on, and she
told me that she's started 'seeing someone' who lives there.

I feel as though she's betraying my father, and that I should say
something, but she's also really happy and I don't want to upset her.

What should I do?


I wish you had have asked for my advice before you stuck your mother in
a retirement home, Tim, I could have talked you out of it.

You would have been better off buying your mother a shotgun and sending
her into the wilderness to fend for herself.

It's always something in these rest homes.

The staff are stealing from the residents, the residents are stealing
from each other, the staff are taking pictures of the residents and
posting them on 'GeriatricBeavers.com'.

By the sounds of things you may have unwittingly checked your mother
into a 'swingers' retirement home.

What do you think happened to all those orgy going, key party having
socialites of the seventies?

When their children can't bear being called at 3 a.m. to help them into
bed after another 'oiled up Twister mat accident' they stick them in a

The retirement home environment is like Xanadu for the aging swinger.

There's seats in the shower, handrails everywhere, beds all over the
place, and not to mention ready access to 'performance enhancers' like
Viagra and Cialis.

I hate to break it to you, but the lonely widow is easy prey for the
seasoned swinger, an inviting grin, punctuated by an almost inhumanly
thick mustache is all it would have taken to lure your mother in.

Now, to the question at hand, what can you do about this unfortunate

Sure, you could leave things as they are, but that will only see your
mother slip further and further under the spell of the swingers, the
next thing you know you'll find yourself shopping for a 'hip friendly'
sex swing this Christmas.

It's also possible that if you storm in there and tell your mother what
she's doing is wrong, it may only encourage her to defy you and
participate even more feverishly in the 5 p.m. 'early bird orgy'.

Your best bet is to have the retirement home closed down, that way you
can move her into one affiliated with a religious organisation with a
strict no 'funny business' policy.

Now, closing down a retirement community can be done in a number of
ways, but without a doubt the easiest is by fabricating some gross
breach of procedure and then alerting the media.

I recommend photoshopping a picture of retirement home staff pushing
residents in wheelchairs down a long corridor for the purpose of placing bets on
which one will roll the greatest distance.