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November 20, 2015
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Thanksgiving is the perfect time to brag about the number of times you've had sex. But make sure you're classy about it.

It’s Thanksgiving, which means you’re forced to sit at a table with your extended family and their friends for hours. And even though you’ve heard it time and time again: “The dinner table is no place for you to brag about how many people you’ve slept with,” you haven’t seen most of these people in years! What if they think you’re still a nerd virgin? No, the Thompson’s from next door need to know how much you’re slaying it on the reg! How can you subtly bring up how much sex you’ve had in the past year while still sharing a cherished Thanksgiving dinner with your friends and family? Here are some tips (and just the tips!)

The “What I’m Thankful For” Speeches

This is the easiest time to subtly slip in how much of a poon dog or boner cat you’ve been this past year. Everyone is paying attention to you so you don’t have to casually mention it to each of your family members one by one. But you can’t be too blunt. Nothing will get you relegated to the kids’ table faster than saying: “Thanks for those kind words, Uncle Carl, I’m also thankful for family, but even more than that I’m thankful for how wet my dick has been this past year.” You need to approach it delicately. Here are some great ways to subtly let people know.

  • “This year I’m really thankful for the how many friends I’ve made, with benefits.”
  • “I’m thankful I got to cum home this year. Twice.”
  • “You know, Uncle Steve brought up how his cancer is in remission. I don’t know about remission, but I am thankful for emissions. Nocturnal emissions. With another person. A number of times.”
  • “As a member of this family I’m thankful to be surrounded by friends. Which reminds me that many times this year my member was surrounded by the warm embrace of a vagina.” NOTE: This one should only be used if no one seems to get your subtle references earlier.
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“I’m thankful for all this food. And for how moist it all is. I realized this year I love moist things.”

During The Dinner

It’s bit tougher to bring up how many people who’ve boned when everyone is eating, but it’s definitely still possible. The best thing to do is use those staples of Thanksgiving as a jumping off point to mention your vigorous sex life.

  • After the first servings: “Anyone want seconds? Or thirds or fourths? I realized this past year that I can sometimes go five times.”
  • After everyone finishes their meal: “Oh man, I’m stuffed. Like I don’t think I could eat any more, especially since my jaw hurts from last night and most nights this last year. I was eating a lot in bed, if you know what I mean. 2015 was a good year.”
  • During the wishbone: "I don’t even know why I insisted to pull the wishbone. I already got my wish this year. Over seven times.”
  • Right after grace: “Can someone pass the potatoes? I’ve fucked nine times this year.” NOTE: Always say nine, even if you’ve had more sex than that or less sex than that. Nine times of sex is scientifically proven to be both impressive and believable.
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Food props can be an easy segue into how much sex you’ve had. For instance these rolls look like butts. Go from there.

Before and After The Dinner

Oftentimes it’s intimidating to talk about how much sex you’ve had in front of your entire family. That’s why some people feel more comfortable talking about their sex life to the individual members of their family during football commercials or food comas. These are some easy ways to get the topic back to you and your sex life.

  • “On Thanksgiving week is Tuesday hump day? Since Wednesday is like Friday? I mean for me every day is hump day, but for normal people like you, Grandpa, is Tuesday hump day?”
  • Offer to help in the kitchen: “Need any help in here? Several women have told me I’m good with my hands.”
  • While everyone is watching football: “Oh, the Cowboys are playing? I’m not too big a fan of them. I’m more of a reverse-cowgirl guy.”
  • When packing up the leftovers: “I’ll definitely be ready for round two in the morning. I found out that sometimes I like it better in the morning. I’m referring to both sex and eating these Thanksgiving leftovers.” NOTE: By this point you will be drunk.

If you’ve done it correctly everyone at the dinner table will know how badass you are, and you’ll never be called a loser at the Thanksgiving table again. And if anyone ever tells you, “You’re being disgusting” or “You’re bragging too much” or “Based on how much you’re talking about it I really don’t think you’ve had sex yet, Dru” then quickly change the subject to how horrible the poultry industry is and how much trauma these turkeys went through to get to your table. That will change the mood real quick, and the focus will again be on who you want it to be: you.

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