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June 04, 2015
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A quick reminder from the Director of CERN for employees to please not stick their penises into the Large Hadron Collider

The Large Hadron Collider, the largest particle accelerator in the world, was recently restarted at CERN labs in Switzerland after being shut off for upgrades in 2013. This is an email correspondence between Director General Rolf-Dieter Heuer CERN employees shortly after the machine was switched back on.


To: hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: rolf@cern.com
Subject: quick reminder

Hey gang!

As you all obviously know we just re-restarted the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). Woo hoo! I’m really excited to smash some particles together with all of you. Just think, this could be the year we discover evidence of extra dimensions. Cool huh?

Just a quick reminder for all male employees, and I can’t believe I actually have to say this, but please do not stick your penis into the collider. We had a lot of problems with this when we first turned the machine on in 2008, so I wanted to nip this in the bud right now. I’m confident none of you are planning to, but then again, that’s what I thought back in 2013 when we were forced to shut down the LHC for two years of semen cleanup. I mean, thank god the public actually believed the cover story that we were upgrading the collider to increase beam energy and luminosity. Please don’t make me lie to them like that again. Cool? Cool.

Cheers,
Rolf

To: rolf@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: tedripley@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

Dear Mr. Heuer,

While I get where you’re coming from, this seems a little extreme. Have you considered implementing penis-insertion hours? Or maybe a sign up list for people to schedule appointments? I dunno. Just an idea. Why throw the baby out with the bathwater, you know?

Anyway, very excited to smash some particles!

Best,
Ted R., Chief Technician for the Compact Muon Solenoid

To: tedripley@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: rolf@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

Ted, I appreciate your input but I’m not budging on this. Listen, I don’t like being the bad guy. I’m not here to judge what you do with your penis on your own time and in the privacy of your own home. But we’re talking about the most sophisticated and powerful scientific instrument humanity has ever created here. It is incredibly precise and delicately calibrated. You know this. A single drop of jizz on one of the sensors could set us back months, not to mention waste billions of dollars on repairs.

Sorry to come down on you like this guys, but I really mean it this time. I need 100% compliance. I believe we’ve got the best team in the world working here at the Large Hadron Collider. I know you won’t let me down.

Ladies you keep up the great work.

-Rolf

To: rolf@cern.com, tedripley@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: dougm@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

Much respect Mr. Heuer, but I gotta say, I'm with Ted on this one. There has to be a compromise. It seems hypocritical to prevent experimentation at a science facility, no?

Just imagine, here we have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to ejaculate into a parallel universe. I've run the numbers and I think it would look something like this:



Yours in science,
Doug Meadows, Chief Proton Synchrotron Technician

To: dougm@cern.com, tedripley@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: rolf@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

Christ, is that why people are doing this? I'd like to debunk that rumor here and now. Fucking the machine won’t let you ejaculate into a parallel universe. Period. I know there’s “technically” no way of proving this, but c’mon, you’re the brightest minds in the world. You know better.

-Rolf

To: rolf@cern.com, dougm@cern.com, tedripley@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: jaqueslamontagne@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

I agree. The parallel universe theory is completely ridiculous and unfounded.

However, I've analyzed the data and it seems that if you stick your penis in at the right moment you just might be able to get head from a black hole. I ran a computer simulation and everything seems to check out:



Regards,
Jacques L., Low-Energy Ion Ring Inspector

To: jaqueslamontagne@cern.com, dougm@cern.com, tedripley@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: rolf@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

Oh my god. How are we still discussing this. Okay, yes, it is theoretically possible for the collider to create tiny black holes. But they would be infinitesimally small and disappear almost instantly. You’d never get your penis in there in time, no matter how small or quick you are.

Please get back to work everyone.

-Rolf

To: jaqueslamontagne@cern.com, rolf@cern.com, dougm@cern.com, tedripley@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: brett@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

ok but wat if you stick ur peen in there and it gets hit with a Higgs boson will it get bigger

brett

To: brett@cern.com, jaqueslamontagne@cern.com, rolf@cern.com, dougm@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: tedripley@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

Good thinking Brett. The Higgs is totally responsible for mass. I ran a simulation and it would look something like this:



Kudos,
Ted R., Chief Technician for the Compact Muon Solenoid

To: brett@cern.com, jaqueslamontagne@cern.com, dougm@cern.com, tedripley@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: rolf@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

Fucking hell. How did you people get jobs here? Sure, the Higgs is responsible for mass. But you of all people should know that we already exist within a Higgs Field. The accelerator isn’t creating the Higgs, it is simply revealing it in our dimension. Even if it were some magic male enhancement particle, you wouldn’t need a multi-billion dollar particle accelerator to access it.

No more penis questions. Please. This shouldn't be that hard.

-R

To: rolf@cern.com, brett@cern.com, jaqueslamontagne@cern.com, dougm@cern.com, tedripley@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: gustav@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

Sir, I can understand why you're quick to dismiss some of these theories. But I beg of you to remember Galileo. Many of his peers called him crazy. The church declared him a heretic for his ideas. Yet without him, we'd still believe the sun went around the Earth. Food for thought.

Anyway, do you think the collider could enable your penis to experience a single orgasm for years, while the rest of your body only experienced a few seconds? Interstellar gave me this idea.

Respectfully,
Gustav, Associate Janitor

To: gustav@cern.com, rolf@cern.com, brett@cern.com, jaqueslamontagne@cern.com, dougm@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: tedripley@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

Good thinking Gustav! I crunched some numbers and I think it would look like this:



Regards,
Ted R., Chief Technician for the Compact Muon Solenoid

To: tedripley@cern.com, gustav@cern.com, brett@cern.com, jaqueslamontagne@cern.com, dougm@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: rolf@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

Basic relativity dictates that your penis and body will experience time at an equal rate because they’re traveling at the same speed, regardless of what subatomic particles are rushing by and though your manhood. To achieve the effect you desire you’d have to devise a way to spin your body on an axis such that the tip of your penis approaches the speed of light while the rest of you remains stationary relative to—YOU KNOW WHAT? I don’t even know why I’m wasting my time on this.

Just don’t do it. End of conversation.

-R

To: rolf@cern.com, gustav@cern.com, brett@cern.com, jaqueslamontagne@cern.com, dougm@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: tedripley@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

Guys, can black holes get pregnant? This is urgent.

Thanks,
Ted R., Chief Technician for the Compact Muon Solenoid

To: tedripley@cern.com, gustav@cern.com, brett@cern.com, jaqueslamontagne@cern.com, dougm@cern.com, hadrontech@cern.com, allstaff@cern.com, hadronoffice@cern.com
From: rolf@cern.com
Subject: RE: quick reminder

Ted you're fired.

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