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August 09, 2016

This one is about "The Tubey Awards" which I thought was the Oscars that they got for pornos, but I guess not.

1) The Dabble Dudes get on stage and I gotta imagine that this is what Hell looks like.

So even though Maddisyn and her dad are trying to hash things out after everyone saw ‘em fighting on the backstage #FOAMY cam, TweenFest keeps rolling on with a performance from The Dabble Dudes. I think they’re famous because people send ‘em dares and they gotta do ‘em?

But they’re not the kind of fun dares that me and my buddies used to do like chugging a beer or talking to a girl or chugging a beer and then talking to a girl right after. They’re mean dares, like chopping off their arms or turning their wee-wees into stew. Why does everything gotta be so “x-treme” with kids? They’re gonna learn real fast that not everybody can be the best and that sometimes it’s enough to just carve out a nice little life for you and your family.

2) Maddisyn is still mad as heck at her dad and deletes her internet accounts.

Todd tries to apologize to Maddisyn, but she ain’t having ANY of it and oh boy have I been there! One time I picked up my daughter, Kaitlyn, from her friend’s house without a shirt on ‘cause I had lost the handle on an drive-thru Arby’s on the way over and she wouldn’t look at me for a week.

Anyway, Maddisyn is so upset about the TweenFest crowd making her pop zits instead of letting her sing her song that she unsigns from Facebook and Tweeter and Tumbled and Insteadgram. All of ‘em.

Can you really undo it like that? I’m always getting emails from Linking saying that people wanna add me to their professional networks. But I’m thinking “Why would I even sign up for Linking?” I pay for the pizza place to deliver one of my CPA flyers with every order and that seems to work just fine.

3) This kid Zayden Ostin Storm performs a “social experiment?”

At first it looks like this blind guy has wandered onto the stage by mistake, but it wasn’t a blind guy. It was this boy named Zayden who does these “social experiments” to see how people will react and then yells at the people who do the wrong thing.

Man, am I glad I haven’t run into someone like him yet ‘cause I know I’d make a dang fool of myself. I’m not a bad guy, I just don’t think about all this PC stuff like these kids do now. There’s a guy in our office named Juan and totally by coincidence I almost brought in a piñata for his birthday party. I mean, I bring in piñatas for everyone’s birthdays, but Thank God my wife caught me heading out the door on this one. She’s my light and I’d be nothing without her.

4) Cheese and crackers, the Vent More girl has a book?

That girl Lexii C. is doing a reading of her Vent More transactions and the place is packed to the gills!

I don’t get it. I see these internet books at the cash register every time I take Kaitlyn to buy new jeans for the school year and she always begs me to buy her one, but I tell her that I’m not paying $18 when I can go online and print the dang thing at home myself.

Anyway, I guess it’s all pretty impressive to Zayden, the kid who pretended to be blind, ‘cause after the show he starts putting the moves on Lexii. They end up having sex, but I didn’t realize until it was too late ‘cause their foreplay sexy talk was all this gibberish about clickables and target audiences.

Now my wife is PO’d at me ‘cause she’s gotta give Kaitlyn “the talk” about two years earlier than she was planning on.

5) There’s some award show for the internet and some woman named Vomit Donna is honoring these people that passed away from trying to eat actual junk.

I know I sound like a broken record by now, but I just wish these kids weren’t always trying to be King of The Mountain. I mean, these people are eating “Lego Lasagna?” I know it might sound boring, but I promise that when you’re in the middle of one, a good old fashioned hot dog eating contest is a real blast.

6) Now Lexi and Zayden announce that they’re a couple?

And if that isn’t crazy enough, they pretend to be about to for a while kiss so all the kids in the audience can take pictures of ‘em.

Why does something like going steady with someone have to be announced? Whatever happened to having your girl walk around in your lettermen jacket? Huh? Sent a clear enough message to Dirk Kleps that Nancy was off the market. Sorry, Dirk! Now she’s my wife!

7) Maddisyn says she’s not coming to the Tubey Awards, then she shows up, then she accepts her award and then she gives it back. Then she announces she’s leaving the internet and then she tells everyone where they can follow her on the internet.

Todd didn’t Maddisyn was coming ‘cause they were still in a big fight.

But then out of nowhere, she shows up! Honestly, this whole part had my head spinning. It’s so hard to know what kids are into ‘cause it’s always changing. I learned that the hard way when I tried to surprise Kaitlyn with Katy Perry tickets for her last birthday. She was crazy about her all year, but when she opens up her card, she tells me she’s Team Taylor and she doesn’t wanna go see “that slut.” Well, that got her grounded for a month and I had to eat 450 big ones.

The one thing I did take away was that Maddisyn was blaming her dad for starting TweenFest and making everybody all “shallow.” She got the whole crowd to turn on him and rip up their cool swag tees. I felt awful for the poor guy. One night Kaitlyn had a sleepover with a couple friends and one of them had to leave early ‘cause she started breaking out in hives and Kaitlyn got all upset and started screaming at me about ordering the wrong kind of pizza or something. I know she was just embarrassed that her party got messed up, but it still hurt to hear her say what she did. Man, the things we do for our kids, huh?

If you want to see what all the hub-bub is about, you can watch Tween Fest for free on go90. They got new episodes every Wednesday, which I think is “dope,” even if my daughter says I can’t say that.