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August 07, 2010

When you're at the bar throwing back some 'Stones with your bros, you're gonna have to take a piss. The problem is the unattractive aspects of using the barroom pisser-long lines of drunk dudes waiting to unload, the dampness of every square inch of the bathroom and the general lack of paper towels. How do you make using that hell-hole of a bathroom more enticing? Turning it into a fun game!

  So, I was at the bar the other night-downing my 12th beer and getting ready to  take my 127th piss of  evening.  I swear, beer turns my bladder into a room full of pre-school kids who have all just polished off a pack of cranberry pills and a gallon of apple juice.  After standing in line next to a drunk Steelers fan who was repeating the same story about how he downed 22 beer bongs the last time they won the SuperBowl, I finally made my way through the bathroom door into what appeared to be a scene out a vaginal baby delivery video-just wet and hot everywhere you turned.  I finally got up to the urinal-for the 243rd time that night- and proceeded to try and squeeze out some piss while the guy next to me was carry on a conversation with his buddy about how he bought a sweet new graphic tee from Express so he could score some "snatchy snatch".  "Snatchy-snatch"-that sounds like a Ritz Cracker.  "Could I please have some SNATCHY-SNATCHS so i can put a piece of marble cheddar on it?"  In the real world, they already come with cheese on them.
  Anywho, so as I'm peeing in the urinal-for the 367th time that evening- I was thinking about how unappealing the whole scenario was until....IT HIT ME!  How do you make pissing in a barroom urinal more attractive?  By turning it into a carnival game-like the one where you had to squirt the clown in the mouth with a water.  Instead of water-it's piss.  Instead of a clown-it's the face of the asshole bartender who keeps bogarting your drink orders so he can do Jager shots with the slutty broads from Kappa Kappa Cum Guzzlers.  That would be a fun time-and for those pee-pee'ers who have impecable accuracy, you shall be rewarded with points that you can redeem at the bar for all kinds of great prizes.  Practical prizes such as condomns, spanish fly, roofies and a good lawyer's phone number.