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January 05, 2016

It's just pissing and talking. It's simple, but it ain't easy.

Everyone pees. It’s human nature! And it just so happens that we’ve evolved to a public restroom model where men stand shoulder to shoulder in front of porcelain holes, point their dingers, and let fly. Immature boys pissing at a urinal will often become uneasy and search for privacy by discreetly extending hand or exaggeratedly leaning chest into the filthy urinal, thus providing meager cover for their still shy dong. Getting comfortable enough to not only pee, but to converse with others while peeing at a urinal is an important rite of passage for all boys looking to become men.

The initial reaction to someone starting a conversation with you while your wiener is flip-flapping in the wind is usually awkward short answers. And being awkward is never cool. And you want to be cool.

Below is a guide to talking to another man at a urinal but in a cool way.

1. Before you say a word, get a little pee pee out first.
One very real concern for combining conversation and urination is that once you start talking, you’ll all of a sudden get pee shy. Like a wide receiver turning his eyes toward the end zone before even catching the ball, you don’t want to start flapping your jaws with your pissing neighbor before you establish a successful stream.

This may lead to an awkward silence when you step up to the plate and get your first practice swing in, so to speak, but these uncool awkward silences can be fixed by grunting while you unzip, exhaling loudly as you prep, and snorting up a big fat loogy and spitting it into the water, no matter how disgusting that sounds.

2. Stare straight at the wall for your first spoken sentence before engaging in eye contact.
Not coming in too hot is an important part of this one. A mature man knows how to charm their way into a chat as opposed to bullying their way into being heard. Some public bathrooms have flyers or graffiti at eye level above urinals, but those are mostly at sports bars and stadiums. So for people who don’t work at one of these places, you will just have to pretend to stare at the wall. It’s ok. All men have decided this is normal to do for some reason.

A few options for first sentence urinal conversation starters:

  • Damn, I needed to get out of there too.
  • Ugh, don’t even talk to me about Susan.
  • Crap, it stinks like shit in here.
  • Darnit, I hate the San Antonio Spurs/Pittsburgh Steelers/LA Dodgers.
  • Ah hell, I just found out I’m broke.

3. When you fart while pissing, say “Oops” and raise your eyebrows like a impish lil scamp.
Everyone farts when they pee. And it’s funny! An important part of being a man is recognizing when it’s appropriate to add levity to tense situations. And a well timed pooster will get that done nine times out of ten.

And two men at urinals laughing after one of them farts is the most honest laugh of all. Which is very cool.

4. If you want to make an especially strong point, grab the other man’s shoulder and squeeze.
Feeling connected and sincerely heard by the person you’re talking to is important in any conversation between two men and pee convos are no different. While it should be used sparingly, if you’re making a strong point or having a tender moment during your urinal communication session, then go for it and physically connect to your neighbor.

Cut any unwanted tension that occurs right after the squeeze by looking back down at your dinger and play-acting surprised that you’re still peeing.

5. Don’t check your phone during the conversation.
Your texts and emails can wait. Right now, you’re just pissing and talking. Being rude is never cool, I don’t care what Andrew Dice Clay says.

6. If you accidentally dribble on yourself while talking, DO NOT let anyone know.
Sometimes a little piss gets on your leg or finger. This is where your maturity as a man will truly be tested. Because a real man, above all else, can act like nothing is wrong when something actually is wrong. Like being quite literally covered in piss. Keep your wits, wash your hands, and then spend the rest of the work day trying to ignore the slowly drying piss down your leg.

As you get home that night and peel off your now dry–but nonetheless definitely soiled–unders, and climb into bed, you can rest easy knowing that you were a man today.

You talked to another man while at a urinal, and you did it in a cool way!