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August 07, 2009


I believe in lip balm. Not just any lip balm mind you. I'm not a fan of Blistex. Chapstick? Please. I don't care how cute Suzy was, I've never felt the urge to apply a flesh-colored candlestick to my lips. I'm a Carmex man. And not your newly improved Carmex that comes in a tube or a stick. I prefer the traditional white, rounded cup with the bright yellow, tin screw-on lid. Course the white glass has since been replaced with plastic, but you really can't blame the company for trying to lower production costs when they only charge $1.29 for a quarter of an ounce.


I have three or four around me at all times. I have one on my nightstand, one in my office, one in the family room near the television, and one in my attache. Not that I really own an attache, but I do like how the word flows from my lips. My moist, cocoa buttered lips.


My autistic sons love Carmex, too, but not in the traditional sense. They apply it freely to the side of their faces, near the base of their ears. I've never understood where they learned to do that. But you should see their skin! Soft, supple, and mentholed.


I believe Carmex is the world's most perfect product. I can only think of two things that could be improved upon. First I would remove the bold lettering "For-Cold-Sores" which is conveniently centered on the lid. Let's be frank, it's embarrassing, especially in the checkout line. The name alone conjures images of poor hygiene from grainy films you watched during Health class in Jr. High. You know, the one that made you lose your appetite at lunch even though it was burrito day. It might as well say "For Hemorrhoids" on the label.


Second, I'd design a high-end Carmex that could be locked with a key, so you would never obsess if a member of the cleaning crew helped themselves to your little yellow friend sitting next to your computer in your cubicle at work. Better yet, a paging device, so you could locate the missing Carmex that made you twenty minutes late for work (which just so happened to be lodged between the sofa cushions). Think of the productivity saved by such a device!


If I had to choose only one item to have on a deserted island it would be Carmex. Go ahead and scoff, it's true. But think about it. You're on a deserted island you're gonna die anyway. Why not have something soothing applied to your lips? This way you could sit back and enjoy the sunset with a smile on your face. Because that, my friends, is the heart of why I believe in lip balm. The ability to smile in a world as uncertain and screwed up as ours without chaffing your lips. The ability to remove the dry mouth side-effects from your anti-depressant and erectile dysfunction prescription drugs. And most importantly, the ability to share an intimate kiss with someone you love. There's nothing in the world more wonderful than sharing a kiss with someone who uses lip balm. I should know. My wife got me hooked on the stuff fifteen years ago when we first met.