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February 27, 2015
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As the militant Islamic group ISIS extends its path of terror, there has been some confusion with other entities that coincidentally share their name: a mobile wallet phone app called Isis launched recently with the backing of American Express; animated TV series Archer, which follows the exploits of a spy agency called ISIS, just finished its fifth season; and of course it also sounds a whole lot like a certain ’90s pop song by the Goo Goo Dolls called “Iris.”

To help you figure out which ISIS is right for you, please consult the following chart.


 
Spotify
Apple Music
Tidal
Google Play
Rhapsody
Rdio
I can only afford $10/month. Does it cost $10/month? Yes, if you want commercial-free music. Yes, because Tim Cook deemed it so. Yes, but they will also let you pay $20/month if you're a dummy. Yes, although you'd think Google could afford to give this shit away for free. Wait, this service still exists? Yes, but their discount $4 level will appeal to minimalist hipsters.
I'm a bit of an audiophile. What's the sound quality like? The quality on desktop is higher than mobile, but the latest Maroon 5 single always sounds great no matter what, so who cares? Excellent, especially if you're wearing your dope ass $300 Beats by Dre headphones. They advertise as CD-quality even though no one knows what a CD is anymore. 320 kbps. Got it, nerd? Sounds just as good as it did in 1999. Falls somewhere in between Pandora and that high-end Neil Young PONO nonsense.
How can I use it to find new music? It's Pandora-like radio feature is a good way to find more bands that sound like Maroon 5. Beats1 Radio is REALLY good. No joke. Just log-on and do whatever Beyoncé says. Google it, of course. IDK, maybe watch old clips of TRL? They keep all the new releases under a section titled "New Releases," which is quite helpful.
How big is the library? 30 million, give or take a Maroon 5 live album. Exactly 30 million. No more, no less. 25 Million songs, 75,000 music videos, 3,100 fart noises. Roughly 31,567,042 songs However many songs had been written as of 2003. N/A. They got to 11 million, but then lost count and had to start over.
Do I have the option to listen offline? Yes, every step has been taken to ensure the Maroon never stops. Do whatever you want man. Sure, but Rihanna would rather you didn't. Of course, but Google will still be able to track you. Yes. In fact, you might have to. We're not sure this is even still a website. Sure, but a life lived offline isn't a life worth living.
 
Do they have Taylor Swift? Nope, as we said, it's an all-you-can-eat Maroon 5 buffet over there. HELL YEAH! Not yet, but probably someday. No, but check out Google Cardboard for an excellent VR experience. Taylor Swift isn't even born yet in this universe. Nah dude.
And can I use it to listen to Milli Vanilli's "Blame It On The Rain?" Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
OK, what about Taylor Swift covering Milli Vanilli's "Blame It On The Rain?" No. No. No. No. No. No.
So the Milli Vanilli thing is a sort of a wash? I guess so, yeah. I guess so, yeah. I guess so, yeah. I guess so, yeah. I guess so, yeah. I guess so, yeah.
Why should I use this service? You've already been using this service for 3 years and have amassed a large number of carefully created Maroon 5 playlists. Apple must have all your money. You love press conferences with a weird mix of famous musicians. Because for some reason you don't want Apple to have all your money. You found a time machine, but it broke and you're stuck in the summer of 2001. Because you're a fucking contrarian.
Why shouldn't I use this service? Your friends can actually see you listening to Maroon 5 for eight hours in a row. It's integrated into iTunes which means they're probably going to try and trick you into still BUYING music. You have a beef with Jay-Z. You're holding out for Bing Music. We think it may have shut down in 2006. You hate when companies misspell words on prpose.
Ultimately, will my friends finally think I'm cool if I use this service? Yes. Definitely. Of course. I think so, yeah. Hell yeah! Retro is back, baby! Sure, why not.

I can only afford $10/month. Does it cost $10/month?

Spotify: Yes, if you want commercial-free music.

Apple Music:Yes, because Tim Cook deemed it so.

Tidal: Yes, but they will also let you pay $20/month if you're a dummy.

Google Play: Yes, although you'd think Google could afford to give this shit away for free.

Rhapsody: Wait, this service still exists?

Rdio: Yes, but their discount $4 level will appeal to minimalist hipsters.




I'm a bit of an audiophile. What's the sound quality like?

Spotify: The quality on desktop is higher than mobile, but the latest Maroon 5 single always sounds great no matter what, so who cares?

Apple Music: Excellent, especially if you're wearing your dope ass $300 Beats by Dre headphones.

Tidal: They advertise as CD-quality even though no one knows what a CD is anymore.

Google Play: 320 kbps. Got it, nerd?

Rhapsody: Sounds just as good as it did in 1999.

Rdio: Falls somewhere in between Pandora and that high-end Neil Young PONO nonsense.




How can I use it to find new music?

Spotify: It's Pandora-like radio feature is a good way to find more bands that sound like Maroon 5.

Apple Music: Beats1 Radio is REALLY good. No joke.

Tidal: Just log-on and do whatever Beyoncé says.

Google Play: Google it, of course.

Rhapsody: IDK, maybe watch old clips of TRL?

Rdio: They keep all the new releases under a section titled "New Releases," which is quite helpful.




How big is the library?

Spotify: 30 million, give or take a Maroon 5 live album.

Apple Music: Exactly 30 million. No more, no less.

Tidal: 25 Million songs, 75,000 music videos, 3,100 fart noises.

Google Play: Roughly 31,567,042 songs.

Rhapsody: However many songs had been written as of 2003.

Rdio: N/A. They got to 11 million, but then lost count and had to start over.




Do I have the option to listen offline?

Spotify: Yes, every step has been taken to ensure the Maroon never stops.

Apple Music: Do whatever you want man.

Tidal: Sure, but Rihanna would rather you didn't.

Google Play: Of course, but Google will still be able to track you.

Rhapsody: Yes. In fact, you might have to. We're not sure this is even still a website.

Rdio: Sure, but a life lived offline isn't a life worth living.




Do they have Taylor Swift?

Spotify: Nope, as we said, it's an all-you-can-eat Maroon 5 buffet over there.

Apple Music: HELL YEAH!

Tidal: Not yet, but probably someday.

Google Play: No, but check out Google Cardboard for an excellent VR experience.

Rhapsody: Taylor Swift isn't even born yet in this universe.

Rdio: Nah dude.




And can I use it to listen to Milli Vanilli's "Blame It On The Rain?"

Spotify: Yes

Apple Music: Yes

Tidal: Yes

Google Play: Yes

Rhapsody: Yes

Rdio: Yes




And can I use it to listen to Milli Vanilli's "Blame It On The Rain?"

Spotify: No

Apple Music: No

Tidal: No

Google Play: No

Rhapsody: No

Rdio: No




And can I use it to listen to Milli Vanilli's "Blame It On The Rain?"

Spotify: I guess so, yeah.

Apple Music: I guess so, yeah.

Tidal: I guess so, yeah.

Google Play: I guess so, yeah.

Rhapsody: I guess so, yeah.

Rdio: I guess so, yeah.




Why should I use this service?

Spotify: You've already been using this service for 3 years and have amassed a large number of carefully created Maroon 5 playlists.

Apple Music: Apple must have all your money.

Tidal: You love press conferences with a weird mix of famous musicians.

Google Play: Because for some reason you don't want Apple to have all your money.

Rhapsody: You found a time machine, but it broke and you're stuck in the summer of 2001.

Rdio: Because you're a fucking contrarian.




Why shouldn't I use this service?

Spotify: Your friends can actually see you listening to Maroon 5 for eight hours in a row.

Apple Music: It's integrated into iTunes which means they're probably going to try and trick you into still BUYING music.

Tidal: You have a beef with Jay-Z.

Google Play: You're holding out for Bing Music.

Rhapsody: We think it may have shut down in 2006.

Rdio: You hate when companies misspell words on prpose.




Ultimately, will my friends finally think I'm cool if I use this service?

Spotify: Yes.

Apple Music: Definitely.

Tidal: Of course.

Google Play: I think so, yeah.

Rhapsody: Hell yeah! Retro is back, baby!

Rdio: Sure, why not.

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