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Published September 21, 2008

Thank you guys for being so kind with your words. It helped more than I can express. My other blog is more of a life blog. This one is just for random newsy crap. Thanks for stopping by Home Fires. Now, in a slightly different format, I bring you this week's newz, beginning with commercials in the newz.


* As of January, Ellen DeGeneres will be Procter & Gamble's new CoverGirl. I love Ellen, I really do, but she isn't really that big on makeup, never has been. Seriously, she is about three chin whiskers away from being David Spade's or Owen Wilson's twin. I guess I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in seeing her turn into a lipstick lesbian, at least then men could fanaticize about her with Portia de Rossi and not question their own sexuality.


* How long will it be before our food commercials come with the soft announcer voice at the end?

"The plastic packaging on this otherwise healthy treat, may contain BPA, which may or may not cause diabetes, brain damage, developmental abnormalities, precancerous changes in the prostate and breast, heart disease, cardiovascular disease, and a variety of other health problems. Be sure to tell your doctor if you experience one or more of the following: Chest pains, difficulty remembering things, such as... your name, labored breathing, anal leakage and of course, an erection lasting more than five minutes... no really guys, we know it rarely lasts longer."

Ringing dinner bell in the background, yelling, "Come and get it!"


* First of all, I'd like to thank Charmin for answering the age old question, "Does a bear really crap in the woods?" If the little bear cub on those Charmin commercials thinks he has it bad with all the toilet paper balls stuck to his butt, imagine how upset he and Mama Bear will be to know that Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah, Wisconsin has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product. We all know bears love picking berries off of trees, so one can only assume dingle berries are a real treat. Triple the butt fuzzies, triple the fun.




* Gov. Sarah Palin continues to dispute her involvement in what is now being called "Troopergate." As Sen. Barack Obama proudly admits to "Lipstickgate."


* Megan Fox of  "Transformers" has men once again transforming below the belt. She told GQ Magazine that she likes girls. No, I mean, really, really likes girls. She said compared to men, women tend to offer more than meets the eye and clearly are not just robots in disguise. This latest development explains why Autobots everywhere, now have balls to match their blue eyes.


* One family is lucky to be alive after being saved by a 6 month old baby. Their house caught fire during the night. The smoke caused the baby to cough, which woke her family members, saving them from certain death.

In an exclusive interview, her mother told us, "If I hadn't smoked with this one, she wouldn't have such a loud and robust cough. See, there is an upside to infant emphysema. And to think the Department of Family Services was going to remove this cute little smoke detector from our house." 


* Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond, were arrested after authorities found drugs at the actor's home. The report states both men allegedly were in possession of methamphetamine.

Sources close to Farrah Fawcett, Redmond's mother say, "She is very upset about this latest development. Her son and his father are always leaving her out of all the fun."


* The stock market took another heavy blow this week as an estimated $700 billion in investments vanished. Reports everywhere, say that this has Americans worried that the financial crisis is spinning so far out of control that even government rescues can't stop it.

Sources close to middle class Americans and the hard-working stiffs who live pay-check-to-paycheck, say, "Good! It's about time you rich bastards felt some of the crunch."


* The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives is in big fat trouble. According to the Justice Department, the ATF lost 76 weapons and 418 laptops.

I'm all for stealing things from the office, like pens and Post-Its, but frickin' guns and laptops? That takes some serious balls.


* Straight men everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief following a federal study. It seems that the dreaded colonoscopy (where a doctor crams a cam into the former comforts of one's puckered poohole) may become obsolete. New tests reveal a simple external X-ray also can detect most cancers.

Men with sore asses around the world say, "Thanks a lot, Doc!"


* Genetically engineered animals are created when scientists insert a gene from one species of animal into the DNA of another animal. The FDA will study this process before the altered meat hits the US market.

Scientists claim by reprogramming the animal's characteristics, fish could be made to grow faster, or hens could be made to lay heart-healthier eggs. Or your Filet-O-Fish could end up tasting like a Big Mac.


* A news poll released said people would rather watch a football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain. Most football fans agree, McCain is more likely to have a heart attack during a game than Obama, and real football fans just don't have time for all of that CPR stuff.


* Katie Holmes made her Broadway debut in "All My Sons" Thursday night. Her performance wasn't what got the audience on their feet for a standing ovation. They were merely thrilled that she was able to escape from her crazy captor at the Cruise Compound.


* Scientists at the National Center for Atmospheric Research were surprised to discover that stressed plants produce an aspirin-like chemical.

Sources close to the commonsense inside of my brain say, "They could have saved a lot of money on that research. Clearly men around the world have known this for years, hence men give women flowers if they want to get a little something before claims of a headache even surface."

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