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July 12, 2017

Nick gives himself a butter knife haircut & Madison's going to get everyone killed. 16 of the most ridiculous things from part one of this week's 'Fear The Walking Dead' mid-season finale S03E07 "The Unveiling"

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s Fear The Walking Dead…

1) Alicia’s First Romantic Vacation

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Alicia’s new boyfriend (Jack?) knows the best way to get a good workout is run through the desert holding a loaded rifle. Really gets the heart pumping!

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“You go to this gym, too?”

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“Come with me if you want to die.”

Let’s see where Jeff takes her!

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Welcome to the unhappiest place on earth! It’s nothing but howling dogs and screaming humans and good luck trying to figure out which is which. Hand over all your weapons to the guy with a dripping blade. Here’s a dirty pig head on the ground. It’s lunch! We eat it right off the ground, we’re not fancy here. I’ve got a great feeling about all of this.

2) “Courting”

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Nick is handling it pretty well that this old drunk is talking about his son banging Nick’s sister and using “courting” like that makes the conversation more palatable. You can call a bag of moldy potatoes French fries, that don’t make them taste like McDonald’s. Oh, god. I’ve watched too much of this show and now I’m starting to talk like Jeremiah.

3) …Her?

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She looks familiar. I feel like I’ve seen her before! I feel… I feel ya… almost had it! Almost had it there. Oof. Oof… feeeeeeelllllOHHHHHHH … fuck it. I’m sure we’ll get to the bottom of this sooner or later. Hopefully right after this steaming bowl of soup in the 102-degree weather.

4) Nick & Troy Bonding At The Gun Range

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Nothing makes for a meaningful conversation with the guy who continues trying to kill you and your mom like a dozen people firing guns 15 feet away from where the aforementioned meaningful conversation is attempting to take place. REALLY LETS THE CHIT CHAT FLOW AND THOSE PREGNANT PAUSES MARINADE! YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR THE TRUST BEING BUILT! I SAY ALMOST BECAUSE YOU REALLY CAN’T HEAR JACK SHIT OVER THE YANKEE DOODLE JUNIOR VARSITY FIRING SQUAD GOING TO TOWN ON BRICKS AND BOTTLES JUST A FARMER’S CARTWHEEL AWAY!

5) Ofelia’s Rock Hard Alibi

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Relax, Alicia! Ofelia knows her new man didn’t kill that family because he was … uh … courting her that night. They courted two times then he proposed all over her back.

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“HeeeeEEEEeeey! We want some parrrrrlay!”

Hooray! We have a parlay. Sounds delicious. I’m not sure why Alicia needs to stay behind just because you threw some berries in yogurt, but tradition is tradition and I’m not about to throw a wrench in your dumb plan.

6) Nick’s Butter Knife Haircut

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Wow, Nick! Looking sharp with that new haircut you gave yourself using the world’s smallest mirror and a Boy Scout knife. Did none of these survival preppers think it might be prudent to invest in a normal size mirror and a pair of scissors? Fun Fact: When going through a breakup, men get haircuts and women get tattoos. Don’t believe me? ALICIA WENT THROUGH A BREAKUP IN SEASON ONE AND GOT A TATTOO. I wish I could say I hate being right, but I actually love it. It’s pretty much my favorite.

7) Alicia Gets The Grand Tour

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Welcome to Camp Sunshine, Alicia! We call ourselves the Ruff Ryders even thought none of us formally know DMX. Over here on the left is the helicopter where your father (RIP Hero Dad: Gone but also so crazy forgotten already it’s crazy) was shot and killed by some of the best snipers from Iraq who completely missed the target they were aiming for.

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““You’re pissed? Good. Great. Super dot com. Magnify how pissed you are by a billion. Maybe even a trillion jillion kajillion. Then you’ll understand how mega pissed of I am.”

Alicia suggesting this man who occasionally wears a feather in his hair is somehow not a legit Native American is downright blasphemy. Did you miss the feather, Alicia? He’s clearly legit! The feather means he’s legit. So please show the appropriate respect to him and also 45% of girls who go to Coachella wait we might have to rethink this feather thing.

8) Not In Jeremiah’s House

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Jeremiah might be on to something. If you give Walker one pepperoni Hot Pocket, he’s going to want a whole BOX of pepperoni Hot Pockets. Then we won’t have ANY pepperoni Hot Pockets! Pepperoni is the best flavor of Hot Pockets! Did anyone else think it was weird that Jeremiah said he wouldn’t piss in Walker’s mouth if he was dying of thirst? Because if he WAS dying of thirst, a little pee in the mouth wouldn’t turn that ship around. It would be one final sign of disrespect. Like, you don’t have to drain your whole bladder into his jaw. Just give him a splash! What he SHOULD have said is, “If that man was dying of thirst, I would pee one splash in his mouth as a sign of disrespect and be stoked about it because he would still die. Then I would go finish my pee pee elsewhere.” Every day that goes by where I don’t get asked to write for this show is a day that deeply confuses me.

9) This Guy Desecrated His Grandfather’s Grave To Protect His Skull Just So He Could Hand It To Some White Lady He Met Five Minutes Ago

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Exactly how much secret sacred stuff is this guy showing Alicia right now? He’s literally handing her the skull of his grandfather and breaking out all kinds of ancient maps and oral prophecies. If you want your grandfather to forgive you, I don’t think giving this young white girl all the cheat codes to your family’s ancestral Game Genie is the road you should be taking.

10) Silly Madison

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Is Madison for real with this plan? Because it’s so clearly bad and also dumb. I just don’t know what the hell she’s thinking. Someone needs to teach Madison this simple rhyme: When in doubt, chill the fuck out. Instead she’s saying: No time to chill, get everyone killed. It’s essentially the opposite, Madison! Sort your rhymes before this whole place burns down from your foolishness!

11) The C-Team

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Wow. There was almost no way to have predicted that sending in a total psychopath with no real plan into a heavily armed camp of people you just made a peace treaty with would be a bad idea that ends in rampant bloodshed. Night vision goggles don’t make a bad plan good. All they do is make a bad plan green. The plan is still the same amount of bad.

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“Get that knife away from me! I already got a haircut today!”

Skrrt skrrt! Let’s get out of here and make a quick escape to the place where they know we all live. Once again, this plan! Very bad, even for these bozos.

12) What Could Ofelia’s Cryptic Death Warning Possibly Mean?

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Ofelia made it clear as day that everyone here will die. You ever have a friend you haven’t seen in a while drop some real uncomfortable truth on you? Like they got diagnosed with a disease or, even worse, a kid? Because Alicia’s reaction is actually pretty spot on. “Thanks for the heads up on that difficult to process info! Going to go ahead and just choose not to fully process it. Great catching up! Byeeeee!”

13) This Is The Second Best Knife Haircut Of the Episode

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Bad move, Walker! NO HALF MEASURES. Oh, well. At least this is the second best knife haircut of the episode. Or second worst depending on whether or not you’re a “glass is half scalped” kind of guy.

14) I Don’t Totally Trust Ofelia Coming Back After She Specifically Told Alicia Everyone Is Going To Die

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I can’t put my finger on it, but I don’t trust her. Mostly because there’s just no fucking way I trust her. She was just here six minutes ago talking about how everyone’s going to die! Now, just because she’s limping around like somebody on a corner somewhere owes her money, I’m supposed to believe she’s same team? You’ve got to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool me! Like, 7:45am PST. So you could be up at 10:30am on the East Coast and still have time to make a cup of coffee, jack off, and have two minutes left over to fool me depending on how efficient you are at the first two.

15) Nick: Suicide Squad

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No need to volunteer for the suicide mission, Nick! Is your haircut bad? Sure. It’s bad, not gonna lie. But it’s not THAT bad. You could NOT deliver pizzas at the best pizza place in town, but you could PROBABLY work for the fifth sketchiest. That’s exactly the kind of haircut you have. And the good news is it will never be Carl Grimes bad because Carl Grimes’ haircut is pretty much the Michael Jordan of bad TV haircuts. It changed the game forever and everyone who pointless tries to eclipse it willy only be held up as a disappointing comparison to an established legacy.

16) Zombie Bonnaroo

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YOU GUYS. Zombie Bonnaroo is something I suggested many MANY Walking Dead recaps ago (shouts out to everyone who has been reading these bad articles since 2015, what am I doing with my life) and it looks like they finally made it a real thing! You’ve got people passed out in tents, puking on their shoes, loud noises all over the place, and brain dead zombies jumping on any warm body that moves. Boy, if that ain’t Bonnaroo I don’t know what is! TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE! Will Jeremiah get drunk and talk in riddles? When the wolf howls it’s fair game, but you better spread peanut butter on a cactus if you think you speak Mandarin to a checkers board. Will we find out what Ofelia was up to? She was trying to steal the Fancy Rice this whole time! Is Nick going to be OK?!? If a former heroin addict can’t handle puking his guts out, he was never really about that life. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S03E08 of Fear The Walking Dead!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Sorry this recap is late! And sorry the second one isn’t finished yet! I had an unexpectedly full Monday of working and Tuesday of travel and I know nobody really cares about any of that but I just didn’t have time to watch and write these the way I usually do. But I’m working on the second one now and it’ll be up later today and thanks for reading these. I apologize most of all for the fact that they’ve always been very bad recaps.

EDIT NUMERO DOS: Here’s the recap for part two of the mid-season finale!