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August 31, 2011

LOS ANGELES- Buddy Jessel, 106, passed away last friday of natural causes. At the reading of his final will and testament, his will proved too old-timey to be decipherable. The Jessel family's attorney, Fred Rodriguez, was the first to attempt translation of the 1930's era scroll.

"The will is filled with very old colloquialisms that none of us can understand like 'I'm worth enough scuttle to scratch an Edsel' and 'It's as valuable as ruby bees in a bonnet'" attorney Fred Rodriguez said. "In these situations we usually turn to close friends of the departed, but they're all very dead" Mr Rodriguez added. "The language in the will is just so specific and 1930's gangstery."

Kathy Jessel, Buddy's spinster daughter and only remaining heir is simply beside herself. "I just want to honor my father's wishes, but I don't know how to." Kathy muttered. "His will said that he wanted me to 'spend enough green to burn a wet mule' and I don't know what that means. He said after doing that I can 'make like a turnip n' squat'... what does that mean?!"

The will is currently being analyzed by The Stanford Archaeological Center. "Quite frankly, we've never seen written language this baffling" researcher Helga Dietrick said. "What exactly is Break-bone Fever?"

The final sentence of Buddy's will reads: "No matter what you do, just don't do anything that'll dill my pickle, that'd be like carryin' machine guns in violin cases AND I ain't no soda-burpin slang-whanger, ya fish-footed hose-jumper!"