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December 12, 2011

if you can't cook but don't really respect your body that much to eat something nice, then I have the perfect solution


It’s a widely known fact that some people love to cook. Those cooks in the world who are lucky enough to be born with a French cook book as well as a fetish for edible goods are truly lucky. Which is great. But for the ones out there who can’t create a four course meal without a microwave, know this: that starving African child/moving brown skeleton who is taking care of 5 brothers and sisters while dying of AIDS that you see on T.V, yeah, that’s your fate. Or atleast something pretty close to it.


Like being a star on a kids T.V show


Fortunately I’m lucky and productive enough (but it’s more like I give two fucks enough) to have the ability to make a breakfast any death row inmate would eat for the last time. And I like to believe that that’s saying something. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, as some would say, and by eating it you can feel Webster dictionary gay if rhyming it your “thing.” Either way, the only thing  separating me from manorexia is a breakfast made with my blood, sweat, tears, and a love for high fructose corn syrup. If you are like me and have the cooking skills of a person with no tongue, then live in fear no more. Here is a list of breakfast foods that I’ve gotten to know & love that will keep your stomach full all morning! And hopefully for the rest of the day to.





They can be flipped, broiled, baked, boiled, tossed. Basically, there are countless ways to fuck eggs up. All of which are pretty tasty. But my favorite way to go all Chris Brown on my eggs that makes my mouth water, is to have them SCRAMBLED!!! All you have to do to make scrambled eggs is to

1. Get a pot

2. Put eggs in the pot

3. Add heat to the pot WITHOUT the use of a flamethrower

4. Add salt, pepper, or whatever you want to the pot

5.      And stir until the eggs are thoroughly cooked

And there you go, a fast easy meal that your body can keep down




They come in many shapes and forms. Some are green, some are red, some are round, some are square, while others have abstract pictures of Jesus on them. All taste pretty good, especially If you’re a vegan. Because I have this delusion that Vegans are force fed tofu while watching people enjoy eating hamburgers a little too much, what a sad sad life. On the bright side, the best part about fruit is that you don’t even have to cook it. It’s already edible as if mother nature made it herself! Unless you want to eat a tomato, the poser of the fruit world, then you’ll have to cook a fruit.




A potato is a vegetable. But don’t start growing yet, It’s actually pretty simple to cook. Sometimes I feel like the world gave everyone. . . well ME specifically, the potato. So let us take a moment to give thanks. Thank you world, I may not be Russian, but I still hold the potato up to a standard higher than most people. Like eggs there are many ways to prepare potatoes, but were going to use the “lazy bastard” method to do this. This is dony by. . .

1.dumping the potatoe in olive oil

2. serenading the potato with salt & pepper songs

3. wrapping it in tin foil

4. then leaving it in an oven set to 400 degrees F for as long as it takes to listen to the newest Drake or Metallica album. (If you’re deaf, skip this last step)

After all this is done, PRESTO! You have another piece of food to add to your anti-starvation kit.


Cereal (Milk Optional)


It’s a classic, it has kahunas, but the best part about “IT” is that you don’t have to cook it.  Of course I’m talking about the timeless early morning stomach filler cereal. Before I continue I’ll give everyone a moment to stop foaming at the mouth with excitement. . . done? Great! This food dish is completely customizable to your taste. Do you want something incredibly sugary? There’s a cereal for that. Desiring a healthy snack? There’s a cereal for that. Craving the flesh of poor Indian Kids? There’s tons of cereal for that! And the only things that are required to make almost all of the cereal in world are as follows:

1. Any type of cereal

2. A bowl

3. Milk (optional)

Another cool thing about cereal is that you can eat it RAAAAAAAAAAAAAW! Doing this will not only make you look incredibly hard core but it will also lower your chances of being called a pussy, and isn’t that what really matters?


Once you’ve prepared all the necessary breakfast foods, put them together in a circle. If a band of thugs breaks into your house and kneel before you so that they can worship you as their god, then Congratulations! You have just created a great breakfast. However, in the rare case that this doesn’t  then. . . I don’t know what to tell you. Wake up earlier and buy a shitty breakfast.

sad eating.jpg

Just two hours could prevent this from happening