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Published September 18, 2008 More Info »
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Published September 18, 2008

I don't have a lot of time right now; I've got a flight to catch.  I'm moving to Alaska to open a tiny bootstrap factory.

This exhilerating idea came to me immediately after watching the Republican National Convention.  Both Senator McCain and Mrs. Todd Palin are awfully strident about people pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. I suppose that's because they both did. The aging Senator, for example, married a knockout heiress with some badass eyes.  And Mrs. Palin's ancestors apparently pulled up their bootstraps quite some time ago when they founded the Heath Bar candy fortune, so she's all set. But then I thought, what about her wee little baby.  He's only 5 months old. Can we really be sure that there'll be any money left for him? His mom seems to go through money like meth through the O'Neal family's schnozzolas.

And, to be perfectly blunt, does he even know how to put on boots, let alone pull up the straps? Does he even know what bootstraps are? And do they come in a size, teensy? That's where I come in.  And I'm going straight to the source.

I've already hired a pile of illegals (don't tell) and put them all on a big old bus (fingers crossed, amigos!) heading to the great state of Alaska.

I've also come up with a variety of bootstrap designs, everything from fun & flirty to ghetto-fabulous (that's what the kids call it, apparently).  And for my little inspiration, Trig? A macho assault weapon theme! He's gonna love it!

There are a few kinks to work out, like what exactly bootstraps look like, and how to affix them to sneakers if need be. And money. I'm gonna need some money. (If you're interested in hopping aboard this hot ticket investment train, please visit my website at: www.teensyweensytinyshminyitsybitsysarahisadoucheandaliarwithdumbeyeglassesbootstrapfactory.com

You see, I'm trying to pull my own bootstraps up, and I can tell you right now they don't have a cute little pattern on them, if you know what I'm saying.

And if the bootstrap factory doesn't pan out like I'm envisioning, I'm thinking about switching it over to an abstinence cock ring factory. Or a pub. One step at time, people.

Anyway, gotta zip. Again, check out my website: www.sarahisafuckwadandshe'llcontinuetodismantletheconstitutionplusshe'skillingpolarbears.com

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