Liberal Justin Trudeau beat out Prime Minister Stephen Harper, a Conservative, in the election for Canadian Prime Minister this week. Trudeau, who is only 44 years old, previously worked as a snowboarding instructor and a nightclub bouncer and boxes to stay in shape. Even the New York Times seems excited, saying, “Tall and athletic, Mr. Trudeau boxes once or twice a week.”
Why does Canada get to have all the fun? Hey, maybe we can recruit this hottie to be the next president of the United States. I think I know someone who might be willing to send him an enticing message…
Hey there, new Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau … or should I say, Canadian Prime Hottie Justin Trudeau. Hubba hubba! I see you were just elected Prime Minister of Canada, you young hunk. You snowboard, you box, you used to be a nightclub bouncer, and now, you’re the heartthrob Canadian Prime Minister!
But you know what? I can’t properly enjoy your hunky face when you’re up in Canada. So here’s an idea, dreamboat: Why don’t you head south and become the U.S.’s resident hottie? Because I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’ve got a little presidential election of our own going on. And we need a president as hot as YOU.
I know what you’re thinking: why would you want to be U.S. president when you already head a wealthy, democratic, English- (and French-!) speaking nation of your own? Well, check out these perks: Leader of the free world? Check. Away from the grips of Queen Elizabeth II? Check. Ability to spend approximately half of the year shirtless in the hot, American sun parading your bangin’ bod? Check.
I hear you like to snowboard? We’ve got snow-covered mountains where you can show off your god-like athletic moves. And you box a few times a week? Hey, ever heard of boxing mecca Las Vegas — or as I like to incorrectly call it, Los Vegas? You get to be president of that sexy, sexy place. You used to be a nightclub bouncer? While nightclub bouncing in Canada likely consists of politely telling people to wait in line and them not giving you a hard time about it, I’m sure you still have big, hot muscles under that puffy coat. Point is: we’ve got plenty of bumpin’ nightclubs where you can peel off that puffy coat and show us your muscles, babe.
Justin, you’d easily win the election, because unfortunately, the U.S.’s current presidential choices are pretty grim. Check out these uggos we’ve got running for prez: Donald Trump? Likely has a couple of dead, decomposing bodies buried in his hair. Jeb! Bush? Somehow manages to look dumber than his idiot brother. Marco Rubio? Young like you, but plagued with a thirsty, pale rat-face. Even socialist Bernie Sanders has nothing on you. But a socialist with a side of hotness (i.e., you)? Uh, YES PLEASE!
After having Barack Obama as president for eight years, we can’t drop down to Ted Cruz levels of unattractiveness. But you? You could be our next John F. Kennedy, the only truly fuckable president we’ve ever had. I don’t know if you know this, but he “did it” with Marilyn Monroe. But she’s dead, so you can’t hit that anymore. This was simply an example.
And what about that pesky model wife of yours? Don’t worry about her. I’ll personally make sure the U.S. denies her green card so you can move here cleanly.
Oooh, your floppy brown hair. And mmm, those beautiful eyes. I can’t wait for your presidential press conferences. Talk dirty Iran policy to me while Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love To You” plays in the background.
Be our president! Pretty please? The weather is hot(ter than in Canada) — just like you.
An American gal and U.S. Senator, Massachusetts