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September 02, 2015
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I wanted to get on unemployment. But I miscalculated and now I’m going to jail and I’m scared and this whole thing seems really unfair.

Earlier this week Dan Savage went on MSNBC to say that I refused to give gay couples marriage licenses because I wanted to “cash out.” He was absolutely right. I wanted to cash out so bad. But I miscalculated and now I’m going to jail and I’m scared and this whole thing seems really unfair.

I was just trying to get on unemployment! You can’t get on unemployment if you quit. But if you’re fired for your religious beliefs? That’s a hot ticket to unemployment checks! I didn’t know it was also a hot ticket to jail.

Now before you condemn me as a selfish horrible person who deserves to be imprisoned, let me just tell you how much my job sucked. Giving out marriage licenses all day? I don’t care who I’m giving them to, it’s not fun to be a witness to other people’s happiness. It got me down. Plus it was super boring and the vending machine never had Snickers. At least the vending machines in jail will have Snickers. Wait. Do they have vending machines in jail? Oh my god, I’m in way over my head.

Listen, I had no problem being the poster woman for hatred and gay bashing if it meant I got to leave my job and spend more time at home. I have a dog and he’s lonely. And I have a really nice couch. And I like watching soap operas the way they’re meant to be watched: during the day. But what’s the point of being the poster woman for hatred and gay bashing if I’m in jail and not spending time with my poor, lonely, wrap-around couch?

And oh my god you guys, my commute was so bad! It took me 45 minutes to get to work. I’ll gladly be a bigot if it means I don’t have to sit in rush-hour traffic!!!!

I guess if I’m in jail I won’t have to deal with traffic jams. That’s kind of a plus. Kind of.

I don’t deserve to go to jail. I was just trying to improve my life and I really miscalculated. All I wanted to do was get on unemployment! And it seemed like ignoring the law and denying gay people basic human dignities was the easiest way to do that. I see now that I was wrong.

There are certainly easier ways to get on unemployment. I could have just sprained my wrist or something. But instead I’m going to jail.

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