The Office of Personnel Management announced today that 21 million Social Security lnumbers were compromised as the result of a massive database breach. But how can you be sure if your personal information was jeopardized in the hack? Here are some indicators that you were a victim:

  • You arrive to work to find a Nigerian man with your same name already sitting at your desk
  • According to your credit card statement, you have suddenly developed an all-consuming penchant for prostitutes in Dubai
  • You’ve been getting a lot of strange emails when usually no one contacts you about anything, ever
  • The Feds have stopped monitoring you because now they’ve just totally lost the thread
  • Someone ordered an XXXL “Keep Calm And Let Out Your Farts” T-shirt on eBay with your PayPal account when you only need an XXL
  • Despite the fact that you are a dead person, there has been a significant uptick in your online activity in recent months
  • You now get a lot of junk mail for someone who clearly owns a cat when you are — and always will be — a complete ferret freak
  • When you Google your name, your SSN pops up as the third hit
  • President Barack Obama called you, mumbled “sorry,” then hung up real quick
  • A Chinese scrap-metal processing corporation now legally owns your home
  • You only joined two-thirds the number of pay-porn sites you’re being billed for
  • You meet another guy named “Jim”
  • Someone applied for a passport in your name, and the culprit appears to be far more adventurous, well-traveled, and interesting than you are
  • Your credit has vastly and inexplicably improved
  • If you are an adult American who has ever been lawfully employed at any job, sorry — your Social Security number was stolen
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