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July 15, 2009


This morning, as I often do, I went through the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru to order a large iced coffee and a toasted multi-grain bagel.  I’m quite partial to Dunk’s flavored coffee; today I partook of the Raspberry flavoring.  The coffee was quite good as it usually is.  No, this rant is not about the coffee.  No, this is about the stupidity of the people working the drive-thru when it comes to my bagel.


Let me explain the situation with the local Dunkin Donuts.  For those of you reading this from the other side of the country, Dunkin Donuts is the east coast’s version of Starbucks; if you don’t like a Dunkin Donuts, just go up the street to the other one.  (I once lived in a city where there was a Dunkin Donuts, and across the street was a gas station with a Dunkin Donuts in it!)  There are two Dunkin Donuts close to me currently; one on John Fitch Highway, and the other on Route 12.  I stopped using the John Fitch branch because of their utter stupidity. You see, I like butter on my bagel.  I always order my bagel toasted with butter.  What gets me about that particular Dunk's is that whenever I order it, They never butter my bagel.  What do they do? 

They give me butter packets.


Riddle me this, Batman; I’M DRIVING!  How the hell am I supposed to butter my bagel while I’m driving?

So I go to the Route 12 Dunk's because they always butter my bagel for me.


Until today.


Today I go through the drive-thru, order my bagel, and drive away.  I reach into the bag to get my bagel, and my hand closed down upon 6 butter packets.


I believe the word “Motherfuckers” is the word that came out of my mouth.


What could I do?  I had to pull over into a random parking lot to butter my bagel.  The worst part is the butter was hard as a rock, so instead of spreading the butter I had to be content with butter clumps on my bagel.  I was annoyed and frustrated; I mean, who doesn’t understand that it’s dangerous to expect someone behind the wheel of a car to spread frozen butter on his bagel?  The thing is, I will still pick the Route 12 Dunk’s over the John Fitch, because the Route 12 Dunk’s gave me something that the John Fitch Dunk’s never did:


A knife.


That’s right, my friends; every time I got a bagel from the John Fitch Dunk’s they gave me frozen butter packets and NO KNIFE.  Imagine me driving down the road spreading butter on my bagel with my thumbs!


Now, I think it’s nice of the fine people at Dunkin Donuts to hire people of questionable intelligence.  These people will never be surgeons or rocket scientists.  But I wish they would give IQ tests to the people at the drive-thru stations!