Current season the best season for usage of puns, says study.


BUFFALO, NY – Spring is here, and with it, some news that is absolutely going to “equinox” your socks off!

Whether you are a small business or a large business, make sure your advertising department is well aware of one thing: The season “spring” has the most potential of any of the four seasons for moderately chuckle-worthy puns that can really help make or break a sale, says a new intensive study.

Take it from Pablo O’Sullivan, for example. He’s the owner of The O’Sullivan Discount Second-Hand Mattress Emporium, which he opened almost exactly one year ago, and has been struggling to make sales ever since.

“We just missed the spring equinox when we opened last year, so for the past eleven months, we have really, really struggled to make a sale, let alone a decent pun that will bring hordes of people in,” O’Sullivan reflected. “We’ve tried it all, “Summer Down, There’s Plenty For All”, “Up and Autumn”, “Don’t Be a Loser, Be a Winter” ... nothing. No customers. We racked our brains so fucking hard sometimes, nothing. No stroke of inspiration whatsoever.”

He admits things got really, really dark for a while. “My wife started selling her body, and I was in the early stages of doing so too. To science, I mean, don’t get any sick ideas. My youngest was training himself to design gang tattoos as means of brining in a little extra profit, and my daughter had I think just given up on us and would leave for days on end to spend time with her other family. But then one day in late March, it just clicked. “Spring into Savings” .”

One ill-fated attempt at a pun last year almost left the family bankrupt, as it led to legal action. The O’Sullivans poked fun at mattress giant Serta with a sign that read, “You Can Serta-na-ly Find a Better Mattress Here”. O’Sullivan admits now that it was a bit too ambitious of a pun to use in the first three fiscal quarters of a new business.  After being served papers, the family hired legal help, intending to take down Serta, but then the case was dismissed when the judge said he “didn’t really care”. Their lawyer insisted on being paid anyways, taking a significant amount of the family’s money. O’Sullivan says that in hindsight, “He might not have been a real lawyer.”

That ordeal left the family a little too insecure to try a new pun any time soon, but they are optimistic the “Spring Into Savings” slogan might turn their luck around. They have said since they put that sign up, three men have wandered into their store clutching brown bags of what they assumed were cash and collapsed on their mattresses. They still haven’t woken up, because presumably O’Sullivan second-hand mattresses are just that comfortable.

When asked if he had any plans to follow up this first successful pun with a second, O’Sullivan says, “I’ve been toying with some ideas. Maybe something Easter-related, if we can get it up and running in time. See, Easter, sort of sounds like “yeast”, yeast rises, so do mattresses, kind of... There’s something there if we can find the time to develop it, but I don’t want to confirm anything until I’m a hundred percent sure.”

What about any correlation between the “spring” of a mattress and the current season? O’Sullivan admits with a gasp he hadn’t thought of that yet. When this was pointed out to him, O’Sullivan (figuratively) shit his pants.

“I will get my son on that immediately. God damn it, that could be lucrative. Okay. You can bet that there will be some sort of coil-related wordplay on our next sign.”

Here’s hoping the troubles of The O’Sullivan Discount Second-Hand Mattress Emporium have been put to bed.