Here are my top 10 favorite sketches I’ve ever written. Read each one in it’s entirety!

“Comic Con Booths”

By: Steven Bucky Butler

6/13/2016 (Version #1)

Ned-A 20 something comedicYoutuber signing autographs at a comic con for the first time, very excited anda fan himself.

Wally “The Animal”Winner-A 50 something retired pro wrestler, gruff, annoyed, easily angered,depressed.

Kitty Cute-A 40 somethingformer child star of a popular 80’s sitcom, a drug addict, insane and verybipolar.

Fan Girl-A fan girl whojust comes for Ned’s autograph.

(At comic con, Ned, Wally “The Animal” Winner, and Kitty Cute are sitting next toeach other in folding chairs at a long table waiting to sign autographs forfans)

NED

Wow, I’m so excited. My first comic con. You two have no idea how cool it is to be here!

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

Kid, what the heck do youdo?

NED

Well, my name is Ned and Imake comedy videos on Youtube. I’m pretty popular on the Internet.

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

Do you know who I am, Ned?

NED

Yeah, you’re legendary prowrestler Wally “The Animal” Winner. I used to watch your matches on TV all thetime. Can I see your championship belt?

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

No, I lost it. Not in awrestling match, but in a poker game.

NED

Oh, that sucks. Hey, couldI see Doggie?

(Wally “The Animal” Winner sighs and pulls out a stuffed animal dog)

NED

Holy shit, it’s Doggie! Hey,remember that time when you bit The Lumberjack after he kidnapped Doggie andthen you put him in a sleeper hold?

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

Yeah, what about it?

NED

Nothing, it was just awesome!

KITTY CUTE

(MANIC)

Hello, where are thepeople? Fans? Anyone want my autograph? I’m a famous former child star. The real deal right here!

NED

(EXCITEDLY)

Holy crap, now I remember you. You’re Kitty Cute from that cheesy 80’s sitcom “Mr. Pete’s Class”. I thought you were dead.

KITTY CUTE

(MANIC)

Yes. I’m Kitty Cute, thereal Kitty Cute. No, I’m not dead. I just overdosed on Xanax twice, don’t believe those death rumors,because I’m still rocking.

NED

Well, you haven’t aged a day, Ms.Cute.

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

(COUGHING)

Bullshit.

KITTY CUTE

(MANIC YELLING)

A fan, a fan, dear God it’s a fan!

(A fangirl walks over towards Ned)

FAN GIRL

(EXCITEDLY)

Oh my god! You’re Ned! I watch your videos all the time. Can I get your autograph?

NED

Sure little lady. It’s always nice tomeet fans.

(Ned signs a magazine she’s holding and after he signs it the fan girl walks away very happily)

NED

Wow, meeting a fan. That was awesome!

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

(ANGRY)

You idiot! You let her get away!

NED

What are you talking about? She got myautograph.

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

(ANGRY)

But she didn’t pay the $25 perautograph, dumbass!

NED

Oh, I guess I forgot! But I did makeher day, isn’t that all that really matters in the end?

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

(ANGRY)

No stupid! Money means everything!

KITTY CUTE

(ANGRY)

Giving autographs away for free istotally not Tolly-Tatsic!

NED

(EXCITEDLY)

Holy crap! You said Tolly-Tatsic! Just like in your show! Say it again Ms. Cute!

KITTY CUTE

(ANGRY)

No!

NED

Okay. Hey, I wanted to ask you two something. Can I interview you both for my podcast? I’m always looking forguests!

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

How much does it pay?

NED

All the pizza you can eat!

KITTY CUTE

(EXCITEDLY)

Does that include breadsticks?

NED

Yes.

KITTY CUTE

(EXCITEDLY)

I’m in!

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

(SIGHING)

I’m in too!

NED

Great, we’ll film it next Tuesday andI’ll email you guys my address. Hey, I have to go to the bathroom. Can you guys watch my stuff while I’m gone?

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

Sure!

(Ned gets up and walks away while Wally “The Animal” Winner grabs Ned’s backpack)

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

Hey Kitty, do you want to see how much money we can get for whatever’s in Ned’s backpack?

KITTY CUTE

Only if we can split the profits 50/50!

WALLY “THE ANIMAL” WINNER

Of course, then let’s go pop some Xanax!

KITTY CUTE

Tolly-Tatsic!

(Blackout.)

“Tom Cruise & John Travolta’s Game Night”

By: Steven Bucky Butler

12/2/2015 (Version #2)

Tom Cruise-Loosely based on his real life counterpart and the straight man to the childlike JohnTravolta. Smart, a jerk, non-caring, an asshole, just wants to keep thingsmoving.

JohnTravolta-Loosely based on his real life counterpart. Childlike, dimwitted,annoying, stupid, caring, loves everyone, questions everything, looking forfriends.

(In Hollywood, at a huge mansion, JohnTravolta & Tom Cruise are having A GAME NIGHT)

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Oh my god! My first game night! With my best friend! OH MY GOD, OH MYGOD! YOU KNOW?

TOM CRUISE

For the last time! I’m not your best friend and the only reason we’rehanging out together is that nobody likes us!

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Yeah, Scientology kind of turns people off, you know? OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! What should we play? I brought Battleship, Mouse Trap, Trivial Pursuit,The Battlefield Earth Game…

TOM CRUISE

What in the hell is the Battlefield Earth game?

JOHN TRAVOLTA

OH MY GOD! It’s the best game ever! It goes like this! You make a bunch of crappy movies, then one hit movie that leads to other hit movies! Then you land on the Battlefield Earthspace…you lose money…it’s kinda like Monopoly, but it’s based on a real story!

TOM CRUISE

YEAH! How about we just play Yahtzee?

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Yeah, Yahtzee’s cool, like Scientology. Why isn’t Scientology more like mainstream you know?

TOM CRUISE

Well, the peasants think it’s a bit of a cult!

JOHNTRAVOLTA

Like a pony or that football team?

TOMCRUISE

You don’t know what a cult is, do you? Wow, the brainwashing really worked on you!

JOHNTRAVOLTA

Yeah, plus I didn’t have much of a brain to begin with and it was the 70’s, lot a drugs too. OH MY GOD! YOU KNOW WHO I MISS A WHOLE AWFUL LOT…LEAH REMINI! I HAVEN’T SEEN HER IN YEARS! OH MY GOD YOU KNOW!

TOM CRUISE

SHE IS NOT TO BE MENTIONED AGAIN! DO YOU HEAR ME, JOHN? DON’T MAKE ME REPORT YOU TO THE ELDERS!

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Okay, but I’m still going to miss her and her cookies with the smiley faces…

TOM CRUISE

OH YEAH, I loved Leah’s smiley face cookies too…but again, lets try to play this stupid game, John!

(John Travolta jumps up after hearing a beeping noise and John Travolta looks scared)

JOHN TRAVOLTA

TOM…DID TOU HEAR THAT…I THINK IT WAS XENU…CHECK UNDER THE BED, TOM!

TOM CRUISE

That was the microwave, John, I think the popcorn’s done! Would you like it in your Shrek bowel again?

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Does a Psychlo shit in aspaceship? Yeah, I would love some popcorn in my Shrek bowel! Can I have my Sippy cup too, Tom? I don’t want to make spills again!

(Tom Cruise sighs and heads to the kitchen to get the popcorn and John Travolta jumps up and down with joy)

JOHN TRAVOLTA

OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, PUT IN IT THE SHREK BOWEL! SHREK SCARES AWAY XENU! HEY PAPA TOM! LIKE, WHEN DO WE GET LIGHTSABERS?

(Tom Cruise reenters the room while holding a bowel of popcorn)

TOM CRUISE

For the last time John we’re Scientologists, not Jedi!

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Oh, no wonder the Jedi’s movies are better! When do we get to inhale the Terrigen Mist and get superpowers?

TOM CRUISE

Again, we’re Scientologists, not The Inhumans, John!

JOHN TRAVOLTA

BUT I REALLY WANTED TO FIGHT THE FANTASTIC FOUR! So what do Scientologists do anyway?

TOM CRUISE

Take money from stupid people for believing in some sci-fi writer’s bullshit!

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Oh yeah, but we’re not that stupid are we, Papa Tom?

TOM CRUISE

NAH! I’M AWESOME! But you…

JOHN TRAVOLTA

But I’m what?

TOM CRUISE

(YELLING)

Nothing…let’sjust play some damn Yahtzee already!

JOHNTRAVOLTA

I love you Tom!

TOM CRUISE

FUCK OFF JOHN!

(John Travolta looks at his watch and then stares at Tom Cruise)

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Welcome Back, Kotter is on at five o’clock and if we watch it, I get money! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

TOM CRUISE

Don’t you mean, OH MY L. RON HUBBARD? THERE IS NO GOD! ONLY L. RON HUBBARD!

JOHN TRAVOLTA

I know that! But I only say OH MY GOD a lot because I don’t know many…what do you call them? WORDS! YAHTZEE!

TOM CRUISE

We’ve haven’t even started playing yet!

JOHN TRAVOLTA

I know! I JUST LIKE SAYING YAHTZEE! YAHTZEE! OH MY GOD! YAHTZEE! OH MY GOD! YAHTZEE! YAHTZEE! OH MY GOD! Welcome Back, Kotter!

TOM CRUISE

(SIGHING)

You’re worse than Rain Man!

JOHNTRAVOLTA

I didn’t see that movie! Was he in the X-Men or something?

TOM CRUISE

JUST ROLL!

(Blackout.)

“The Guy Friend”

By: Steven Bucky Butler

9/21/2015 (Version #1)

Todd-He’s a nerdy youngman who has three friends that are all girls, caring, kind, nice, sociallyawkward, not a ladies man, logical, a little OCD.

Beth-She’s the head of thegroup, attractive, talkative, an average young woman.

Gina-Beth’s little sister,the youngest of the group, talkative, clueless, a bit of a slut, has goodself-esteem, looks and dresses very sexy.

Ellen-Beth’s best friend and relatedto another male friend of Todd, nerdy, smart, the misfit of the group, sociallyawkward, shy, funny, low self-esteem.

(In the afternoon at a Starbucks)

(Beth,Gina, and Ellen are sitting at a table chatting away. During the conversation Ellen is typing on her laptop)

BETH

You won’t believe who asked me out on a date!

GINA & ELLEN

(AT THE SAME TIME)

WHO?

BETH

BOBBY RIPLEY!

ELLEN

NO WAY! WAY TO GO BETH! HE’S SO HOT!

GINA

Been there, done that!

BETH

You dated Bobby too, sis?

GINA

More like a one night stand…

ELLEN

NO WAY! Bobby stood you up, I’m so sorry!

GINA

No, I stood him up, he wanted along-term thing, but I just wanted to do it once and be over with it!

BETH

As usual, I get my hot younger sister’s sloppy seconds. Gina, seriously why are you wearing that outfit in public. You look like a hooker!

GINA

At least my body is good enough that I can get away with an outfit like this. Hey, where’s Todd with our coffee? It’sbeen like ten minutes since we told him to wait in line for us!

ELLEN

I just hope he remembers to get my doughnut!

BETH

Ellen, you’re on a diet, remember,silly goose. Why are you getting a doughnut?

ELLEN

I’m hungry, plus after this, I am going to go to the gym anyway. So get off my back!

BETH

Okay Ellen…oh girls, I have good news…I found someone prefect for Todd!

GINA

WHO?

ELLEN

(MUMBLING)

I wish you two cared about finding me a man!

BETH

Anyway, I got my haircut this morning and…I got Todd a date with Rico!

GINA

RICO! He’s prefect for Todd! NICEWORK, SIS!

ELLEN

Rico, I don’t know Beth, he might be way out of Todd’s league! I mean he’s dated bodybuilders!

BETH

Well, I may have told Rico that Todd was a little more handsome than nerdy but…oh here comes Todd!

(Todd enters and passes out the coffee and gives Ellen her doughnut)

TODD

(WHILE PASSING OUT THECOFFEE)

Here you go, gal pals! Sorry it took me so long, but the line was murder. There was a little old lady who was going so slowly! Plus, she needed help getting to her table. Long story short, I left my original place in line to go help her. Then I had to start all over at the end of the line. As you gals say, “Silly Todd”!

BETH

OH TODD! Hey, guess what! I hooked you up with a date!

TODD

Oh, you guys!

BETH

Well, I figured a single guy like you needs a hook up and I bet you’re sick of hanging out with us all the time. You need time for yourself!

TODD

Seriously, you three are like my bestfriends! I love spending time you! But who’s the lucky lady?

GINA & ELLEN

(AT THE SAME TIME IN ACONFUSED TONE)

LADY?

BETH

RICO! He’s very handsome! You’re prefect for him! You’re one lucky man!

(Todd at first looks confused and after a brief pause Todd begins to laugh)

BETH

What’s so funny?

TODD

It’s just…I thought you said you got me a date when really you just scheduled a day of beauty for old Todd! Rico does excellent work!

(Beth looks confused and pauses for a bit, and Beth begins to laugh)

BETH

Oh, no, silly! I got you a little dinner date! I thought you could use a man in your life!

TODD

What are you talking about? I have abrother and a really good father. I have plenty of good male figures in my life. Plus my best friend Brody and…

GINA

I have to use the restroom!

(Gina slowly gets up and she flees to the bathroom to avoid this awkward moment)

BETH

Oh, you already have a boyfriend. When do we get to meet Brody? Does he take good care of you?

(Ellen taps Beth on the shoulder and Beth just ignores it)

TODD

No, I mean Brody’s like my bestfriend. Well he’s my best guy friend. He’s the one I like to play Xbox with because you guys aren’t into that kind of thing.

ELLEN

(SCREAMING IN AFRANTIC TONE)

ARE YOU GAY OR NOT TODD?

TODD

Wait, what?

BETH

Ellen, you don’t question someone’s sexually! I mean in public too! I thought you weren’t homophobic!

TODD

Again, what is going on here?

ELLEN

(AKWARDLY)

It’s just that we thought you were gay. When Gina and I heard you say “lucky lady”, we were confused. Plus, it’s weird you also know Brody because…

TODD

Wait! You three think I’m gay! So you got me a date with Rico as in…

(Todd begins to gag a bit like he’s about to vomit)

BETH

WAIT! YOU’RE STRIGHT!

TODD

(PISSED OFF)

DAMN RIGHT, I’M STRIGHT! MY GOD! YOU GOT ME A DATE WITH A DUDE! WHAT’S GOING ON! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE THINK I’M GAY!

(Gina re-enters the scene and sits down next to Beth and Ellen)

GINA

Am I hearing this right! Our gay friend, Todd is straight! Oh dear lord! I let him touch me and…

(Gina faints and Beth begins to get mad)

BETH

(ANGRILY)

WHY WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT BEING GAY!

TODD

WHAT! I NEVER SAID I WAS! WHY DO YOU THREE THINK I’M GAY?

BETH

Because you never hit on us!

TODD

Why would I hit on you? I thought all of you wanted to remain in the “Friend Zone”.

BETH

But you’re so clean and well dressed!

TODD

Well OCD helps, but otherwise I like to take care of myself. Is it so weird for a straight man to care about how he looks? Plus, hello, if you’re clean and dress nice…ladies pick up on that! You can do the math!

BETH

You like show tunes and you watch Disney princess movies!

TODD

Okay, I’m a theater nut and you saw me preform in that local play. But as for the Disney princess thing, Walt Disney’s my hero and I love animated movies! Yes, again, it’s weird, a grown man still watches cartoons and stuff! But the point is I’m straight!

BETH

Oh my god, all this time I was friends with a straight guy! I looked at you as if you were one of those gay best friends. You know the one’s in romantic comedies. The one that helps you help you find your true love!

TODD

(FURIOUSLY)

ROMANTIC COMEDIES AREN’T LIKE THE REAL WORLD! I’M NOT A SEXIST! GENDER DOESN’T AFFECT WHOM I GET ALONG WITH AS A BEST FRIEND! I MEAN! WOW!

BETH

You know what! This friendship is over! Gina! Ellen! Let’s ditch this pervert who only wanted to be with us for sex!

(Beth storms out of the room and exits the scene)

(Gina gets up and slaps Todd)

GINA

That’s for touching my boob! YOU LIER!

(Gina leaves in a huff while trying to cover herself up and exits the scene)

TODD

(YELLING TO GINA ASSHE’S LEAVING)

I touched your boob because you thought you had breast cancer and you asked me to see if I could feel any lumps! I also thought it was a really weird situation!

(Todd gives a “fuck” like gesture and sits down and covers his face with one hand)

(Ellen pulls up a chair and sits next to Todd to comfort him)

ELLEN

Sorry we thought you were gay!

TODD

It’s okay Ellen. I should have seen it coming. You know, why aren’t you leaving? You still want to be friends with the straight guy?

ELLEN

Actually, I think you’re very handsome. I think we have a lot in common. I mean you’re single and I’m single.

TODD

Wait! You want to be my girlfriend!What about Brody? I mean if he finds out I’m dating his sister he’ll…

ELLEN

Don’t worry about my brother Brody! Now you two have someone else to play Xbox with. Who knows, someday Brody might have his best friend as a brother in law!

TODD

So, you want to go back to my place and…

ELLEN

Yeah! Because let’s just say now thatyou’re straight…you have a friend with benefits! Let’s go! HANDSOME!

(Ellen exits the scene in a very sexy manner and Todd does a fist pump)

TODD

(TO HIMSELF)

SCORE!

(Todd struts out of the Starbucks)

(Blackout.)

“God & Gary”

By: Steven Bucky Butler

10/11/2015 (Version #1)

God-It’s basically God,you only hear his voice offstage, wise, humble, and a bit annoyed with Gary,and thinks he knows best.

Gary-A 40 something thatis chosen by God as a prophet even though he doesn’t want to be one, loves toread, smartass, does what he wants to do, non-caring, and loner.

(In the desert in the Middle East in Biblical times)

(Gary sitting underneath a tree reading a book in the shade when a bright light appears before him)

GOD

(YELLING)

Gary! I am your lord! Free your people! Spread my message! Tell your people I care for them!! Do as I command!

GARY

NAW!

GOD

(SHOCKED)

What was that?

GARY

No, thanks! I’m just going to continue reading Don Quixote. Good luck with freeing the slaves G-Man!

GOD

But, of all of the people in the land, I’ve chosen you! You have no interest in freeing your people from the pharaoh?

GARY

NAW!

GOD

I’ve chosen you, my son! Don’t you wonder why you are the chosen one? I know all! I know what will be and what’s going to be!

GARY

Whatever G-Man!

GOD

But your people are suffering, my son! They work to their deaths for no reward! I can guide both you and them to the promise land! Where…

GARY

Like I give a shit!

GOD

(YELLING ANGRILY)

What boy!

GARY

Like, I, give, a, shit!

GOD

You dare to use a word of curse in front of your lord! What would your mother think?

GARY

I thought you were all knowing,G-Man?

GOD

Indeed I am! I know what will be and what’s going to be!

GARY

Note! I thought you were all knowing?

GOD

Again, I know what will be and what’s going to be!

GARY

Well, smart guy! I can ask you questions, right? You said, ‘what would my mother think.’ Well, wise guy, she died three years ago, so I think she wouldn’t give a shit! Top that G Bro!

GOD

(PISSED OFF)

How dare you! I knew your mother was dead! I was just testing you! What do you want from me? Just tell me how I can make you free your people!

GARY

NAW!

GOD

(PLEADING)

I can give you anything you want! I can create life out of thin air! I’m all knowing! Do you even fear that if you reject me, you’ll go to hell?

GARY

NAW!

GOD

(ANNOYED)

Do you know any other words than NAW?

GARY

I just want to go backie to readie Don Quixote, give Moses a call! He’ll probably give a shit!

GOD

He’s still talking to that burning bush! Look, can you free your people until Moses is ready to do it? I mean, you were my back up in case he couldn’t do it. I don’t have another guy for the job! Please? For God!

GARY

NAW!

GOD

I can tell you how Don Quixote ends, but only if you free your people!

GARY

NAW! Not into spoilers!

GOD

Oh that’s good because I only made it to chapter 2 anyway!

GARY

And you said you were all knowing Mr. G!

GOD

NAW!

(Blackout.)

“Disney Magic”

By: Steven Bucky Butler

1/17/2016 (Version #1)

Bud Lemmy-He’s an 80 something DisneyAnimator who comes out of retirement to see that things have changed a lot atthe Disney studio.

Ken-He’s a 20 something fellow animator and Bud’s supervisor.

Ryan-He’s a 20 something Latin American animator who is a fan of Bud’s work.

Terri-She’s a 20 something African-American woman who is another fellow animator and another fan of Bud’s work.

(At Walt Disney Animation Studios in Burbank, California)

(Ken is showing Bud Lemmy his new office)

KEN

Well Bud, you are truly legend around here at the Disney animation studio. So why have you finally decided to come out of retirement?

BUD LEMMY

Ever since you peckers got rid of my pension I don’t have any more money, but dog on it, I was the greatest animator in my day I figured why the hell not come out of retirement. Also Wal-Mart fired me as a greeter and this was my last resort!

KEN

Why did Wal-Mart fire you?

BUD LEMMY

I’d rather not talk about it. But just between you and me…women have a lot of rights now! Just because I thought my supervisor had a great ass and I…but look again you don’t need to know! Now where’s the drawing broad!

KEN

Oh that’s right! Bud, things have changed a lot since the 40’s. We use computers now, no drawing what so ever! Do you know how to use Adobe Photoshop?

BUD LEMMY

No…

(Ken’s cellphone begins to ring and Ken pulls his cellphone out)

KEN

Sorry Bud, I have to take this call.If you have any more questions I’m sure Terri will help you out, if you need help, just remember that Terri’s office is next door. Again welcome back Bud!

(Ken exits to the room and Bud pulls out a piece of paper)

(Bud tapes the piece of paper to his computer screen and begins to draw on it)

(Ryan enters and Bud Lemmy looks confused)

BUD LEMMY

What the heck are you wearing kid? You look like a freaking beatnik!

RYAN

Okay whatever, anyway my name is Ryan and I’m…

BUD LEMMY

I know exactly who you are Ryan…here let me help you out!

(Bud Lemmy gets up out of his chair and slowly walks over to pick up his garbage can)

(Bud Lemmy then hands Ryan his garbage can)

BUD LEMMY

Here Ryan, empty this for me and then you can come back to clean the windows!

RYAN

What the heck? I just wanted to tell you I’m a fan of your work and that I became animator because of it!

BUD LEMMY

(SHOCKED)

WHAT! YOU’RE NOT THE JANITOR! SINCE WHEN DOES DISNEY HIRE MEXICANS?

RYAN

I’m Brazilian!

BUD LEMMY

(SHOCKED)

WOW! WALT WOULD BE ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE! ANYWAY, LOOK KID, SORRY FOR THE MISTAKE BUT ITS JUST…WOW! So ah, which movie are you a fan of?

RYAN

I love Pinocchio…

BUD LEMMY

Oh, becauseof the donkeys, right? I drew one of them in that picture and I nailed the actress that voiced the Blue Fairy too! Now, she had some big knockers…

RYAN

(AWKWARDLY)

Okay, it was nice to meet you, Bud. But now I have to go back and animate Olaf for Frozen 2. Also, you should probably turn on your computer so that you can…

BUD LEMMY

What! I don’t speak Spanish, but sure tacos would be great right now! Anyway glad you’re living the dream kid!

RYAN

(TO HIMSELF WHEN HE’SEXITING)

My uncle was right when he said you should never meet your heroes because they’ll always let you down…

(Ryan exits the scene and Bud continues to draw)

BUD LEMMY

(IN A COCKY TONE)

I can still draw a damn good Goofy!

(Terri enters and Bud Lemmy sees her and jumps right up)

BUD LEMMY

(SCREAMING)

HOLY SHIT! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM!

TERRI

Oh, sorry to startle you, Mr. Lemmy,but my name is…

BUD LEMMY

(YELLING)

TERRI GET YOUR ASS IN HERE! SOME BLACKIE BROKE INTO MY OFFICE AND I THINK SHE WANTS TO STEAL MY WATCH! TERRI! TERRI…

TERRI

Actually I’m Terri, Ken told me you mightneed my help and I’m a huge fan of your work, so, do need any help?

BUD LEMMY

(CONFUSED)

Hold it, you’re Terri the animator who works right next door to me?

TERRI

Yes!

BUD LEMMY

(CONFUSED)

But you’re a woman!

TERRI

Yes!

BUD LEMMY

(CONFUSED)

But you’re black!

TERRI

(ANNOYED)

Yes, now do you need my help with anything?

BUD LEMMY

Just out of curiosity, did you know I was the one who animated Uncle Remus in Song of the South?

TERRI

But Uncle Remus was played by James Baskett in live action while the background was animated right?

BUD LEMMY

That’s what Walt wanted you blackies to think. It was all a cartoon. He loved screwing with you nig…

TERRI

(CREEPED OUT)

Okay,looks like you don’t need any help at the moment. I have to go to Human Resources now and file a complaint, but anyway, it was nice to meet you Mr.Lemmy…

(Terri flees the scene and then Ken reenters)

KEN

So, I just thought I’d come back and see how you were doing?

BUD LEMMY

Ken,I’m beginning to question what had happened to this place when I was away…

KEN

Well,after Walt died things changed around here, Bud. We now hire people of color and women have a bigger role in the studio then they did before. I know you’re a man from a different era of Disney, but I feel you’ll learn to love working here in modern Disney!

BUD LEMMY

It really is A Small World. Glad we’re both just two normal white guys and that Walt would be proud the white man still has the power around here!

KEN

Actually,I’m transgender!

(After hearing that Bud Lemmy has a heart attack and dies)

(Ken then grabs the drawings taped on Bud Lemmy’s computer and looks at them)

KEN

Damn he’s really good at drawing Goofy…weird he drew a scene where Goofy is reading “Mein Kampf” though, but hey, who am I to judge! That’s the modern Disney Magic for yah!

(Blackout.)

“Super Model”

By: Steven Bucky Butler

3/18/2016 (Version #1)

Xanda-An immigrant, large plus-size figure, soft spoken, speaks fluent English, humble.

Brad-A casting agent/owner of a modeling agency, very business savvy, money conscious, seeking media attentionto grow the business.

Tom-Business partner/co-owner of the modeling agency with Brad, simple minded, impulsive,lacks filter.

(At a banquet hall ballroom, Brad and Tom are reviewing headshots and applications of models wishing to join their agency)

BRAD

Man, Tom, many models of all sizes have come through this audition so far, but we have yet to find thatone diverse client out of all of them!

TOM

We have already hired five new clients from this audition, and one of them is Asian.

BRAD

Right, but they were all thin. I mean we have to find the one plus size client. Let’s see the next audition. #46 we’re ready for ya!

TOM

#46, She’s the model from the small island nation of Wixtona, right? I love these foreign models!

(Xanda walks out and steps onto the riser wearing a bikini,exposing her very hairy chest)

TOM

(STARTLED)

DEAR GOD!

BRAD

(UNDER HIS BREATH)

Dude! Tom! Seriously, shut up!

XANDA

You two seem a bit shocked. Is something wrong?

TOM

SHE’S SO HAIRY! SHE’S LIKE A BIGFOOT!

XANDA

Did he just call me a Bigfoot?

BRAD

No, Miss Xanda, he is just a little shocked by your appearance.

XANDA

I thought you said this audition was being held for models of all sizes?

TOM

We only need one plus size model. We normally hire thin clients,but Brad said hiring one plus size model would be good publicity for the agency.

BRAD

(DIRECTED AT TOM)

Seriously? Control your blurting, man!

XANDA

Excuse me?

BRAD

Look, sorry, Miss Xanda. My friend didn’t mean to offend you.We’re good honest people and we don’t need the media backlash, do we, Tom?

TOM

Right! So, ah, tell us about your self, hairy…I mean Xanda!

XANDA

Oh, is that why you had such a strong reaction me? My hairychest? I forget to mention I’m from a small island nation called Wixtona?

BRAD

No, we knew you were from Wixtona, but of course, we Americans don’t know much about it. Could you please tell us about your hairy chest?

XANDA

You see in the country of Wixtona, the hairier and fatter the woman is, the more beautiful she is.

TOM

Oh that place sounds horrible!

BRAD

DUDE!

TOM

I mean that place sounds like a beautiful fairy tale kingdom!

XANDA

Well, I know Americans like thinner and less hairy women! Wixtona customs are quite different. I totally understand if I am of no interest to your agency. In Wixtona, I’m considered one of the most beautiful women and my father’s the king so…

BRAD

(INTERRUPTING XANDA)

Wait, you’re royalty? What in the hell are you doing here?

XANDA

Well, Wixtona’s net worth is about as much as the box office earnings for the movie Jupiter Ascending. We are pretty much a third world country at this point. I need work and being a princess doesn’t pay that much. We’re nothing like the British royal family.

BRAD

(SIGNALING XANDA TO HOLD A MOMENT)

Tom, can I talk to you in private for a second?

(Brad and Tom spin their chairs around while Xanda looks worried)

BRAD

Dude, we have to hire her! She’s our cash cow!

TOM

Brad I know she’s fat, but even I didn’t call her a cow.

BRAD

No, TOM! Think about it! Brad and Tom’s Modeling Agency hires Princess Xanda of Wixtona!That’ll bring us a shitload of publicity! We have to hire her!

TOM

But Brad,what about her hairy chest?

BRAD

We ask her to get her chest hair waxed! No biggie!

TOM

Totally!

(Brad and Tom swing their chairs forward and Xandais waiting to hear an update)

BRAD

Good news,Xanda. We decided to hire you as our new client. You just have to remove your chest hair first.

XANDA

Great! I will remove it right away. Even though I am sad to bring shame to my country’s customs, I could really use the money. Besides,I have always dreamed of being a model.

TOM

But, you are a princess. That is like every little girls dream.

XANDA

I know, I know, but models get way more attention in America. Being a famous plus size model in America will bring me more power than being a princess of a tiny nation like Wixtona.

BRAD

So, welcome aboard, Xanda! You’ll love it here in America! Once you sign the contract, you will officially be apart of Brad and Tom’s Modeling Agency!

(Brad walks to the riser with the contract for Xanda to sign and as Xanda bends over to grab it, she exposes a huge mole onher upper butt cheek)

TOM

HOLY SHIT! THAT MOLE IS HUGE!

XANDA

Oh? What?My lucky mole? In Wixtona, huge moles mean good luck!

BRAD

So, I take it you don’t want to get your lucky mole removed, do you?

XANDA

No, silly,it brings me good luck!

BRAD

Damn! Okay,I guess since it worked for Cindy Crawford, it’ll work for you!

TOM

BUT IT’S SO HAIRY!

BRAD

SHUT UP TOM! WE’RE HIRING HER! GOD,THE THINGS WE DO FOR MONEY!

(Blackout.)

“Kayfabe”

By: Steven Bucky Butler

3/14/2016 (Version #1)

The Masked Dancer-A masked Mexican wrestler known for his wrestling gimmick of being a dancer. He stays in character all the time.

Ken Powers-The current wrestling champion and he’s worried about his friend The Masked Dancer.

Russian Rich-His gimmick is that of a mad Russian but outside of the ring, he’s a pretty nice guy.

(In a locker room after a wrestling event, Ken Powers and Russian Rich are taking off their wrestling costumes)

KEN POWERS

You were great today, Rich. Hey, could you go a little easy next time? I think you knocked out one of my teeth today!

RUSSIAN RICH

Oh my god! I’m so sorry! Do I need to pay for your dental bills or…

(The Masked Dancer dances while he enters the locker room and The Masked Dancer just won’t stop dancing)

KEN POWERS

Hey Stan, you were great today! Really made the crowd happy!

THE MASKED DANCER

(WHILE DANCING)

Who is this Stan! I am the wonderful MASKED DANCER! The Latin Lover! The Romeo of the Ring! The…

KEN POWERS

Okay Stan! The shows over you can break character now! You’re among friends!

THE MASKED DANCER

(WHILE DANCING)

You are indeed an ally in the ring Champion Ken Powers, but you Russian Rich are an evil man!

KEN POWERS

Russian Rich isn’t evil, Stan. He just pretends to be the bad guy, remember? Plus, Rich isn’t really from Russia.

RUSSIAN RICH

Yeah, I’m from Ohio!

THE MASKED DANCER

(WHILE DANCING)

What happened to your Russian accent Russian Rich? Are you hiding something from The Masked Dancer?

RUSSIAN RICH

Dude, I just said I’m from Ohio and…

(The Masked Dancer rushes and grabs Russian Rich and puts him in a chokehold)

THE MASKED DANCER

(WHILE HOLDING RUSSIAN RICH IN A CHOKEHOLD)

Tap out you son of a bitch! And surrender! FOR AMERICA!

RUSSIAN RICH

(WHILE BEING CHOKED)

Ken, get him off me!

(Ken Powers tapped The Masked Dancer on the shoulder while The Masked Dancer lets goof Russian Rich who then passes out)

THE MASKED DANCER

(WHILE DANCING)

Ken, I just defeated Russian Rich. Now I shall go on to face the champion, which is you! Now…

KEN POWERS

Look I’ll talk to the writers to see if they’ll give you the championship but Stan…

THE MASKED DANCER

(WHILE DANCING)

MY NAME IS NOT STAN! I AM…THE MASKED DANCER!

(The Masked Dancer continues dancing while Russian Rich slowly gets up)

RUSSIAN RICH

What’s wrong with Stan? Did he get a concussion or something tonight? I knew Smasher Dasher was hard on him!

KEN POWERS

No Rich, I think I know what’s going on. Hey, The Masked Dancer, could we talk?

THE MASKED DANCER

(WHILE DANCING)

Fine, okay!

(The Masked Dancer stops dancing and he, Ken Powers, and Russian Rich sit down on the bench)

THE MASKED DANCER

All right, you have 5 minutes, and then I must return to my dancing! I must defeat Russian Rich in the dance off next week, so I have to keep practicing!

RUSSIAN RICH

Oh, the dance off is next week already! Can’t wait to lose to ya buddy!

THE MASKED DANCER

What do you mean lose to me? Are you going to lose on purpose?

RUSSIAN RICH

Well that’s what the script said! Stan, is there a rewrite I missed or something? Did the writers change the outcome?

THE MASKED DANCER

(YELLING)

What are you talking about mad Russian?

KEN POWERS

The Masked Dancer, listen to me.You’re not really The Masked Dancer. You’re name is Stan Jose and you have a life outside of the ring! Like I do!

THE MASKED DANCER

What are you talking about, Ken!

KEN POWERS

Look buddy, you have to get out of your costume! It’s late! Go home! My wife is probably wondering where I am!

THE MASKED DANCER

You don’t have a wife Ken Powers? You have a girlfriend named Super Sarah and Russian Rich is cheating on her behind your back and…oh sorry, Ken! Don’t hurt me!

KEN POWERS

Super Sarah is just an actress, my wife is named Jean and I have three beautiful children! What about your wife,Stan?

THE MASKED DANCER

My wife! I HAVE NO WIFE! FOR I AM THE MASKED DANCER!

(The Masked Dancer jumps off the bench and begins dancing like crazy)

KEN POWERS

Well, just live in fantasyland Stan! Have fun dancing in the locker room alone! I have to go home! My family needs me!

(Ken Powers exits the scene while The Masked Dancer continues dancing)

RUSSIAN RICH

I have to go too! My dog needs to go to the bathroom! Anyway I’ll tell Lenny you’re staying late again Stan!

THE MASKED DANCER

(WHILE DANCING)

Again my name is not Stan! FOR I AM THE MASKED DANCER!

RUSSIAN RICH

Okay, hope you come back to reality soon, Stan! Tell your wife Wanda I say hi! Oh right…you’re still in character! Sorry, I’ll just go! Happy Birthday Stan! I almost forgot today was your birthday! Well, hope you had a good one! LATER!

(Russian Rich exits the scene and The Masked Dancer slowly begins to stop dancing)

THE MASKED DANCER

(SINGING)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAYTO ME! I’m 40 years old and I’m too old to wrestle! Stan has to retire today…but The Masked Dancer is immortal!

(The Masked Dancer begins to dance again and after dancing for a few minutes, he breaks his leg and begins to cry in pain)

(Blackout.)

“That’s Showbiz”

By: Steven Bucky Butler

12/29/2015 (Version #1)

Claire Jinx-A young 20 something actress who wants to do other projects than she normally does.

Mr. Zipay-He’s Claire Jinx’s 50 something talent agent and he is puzzled by his client’s demands.

(The Hollywood Office of Mr. Zipay’s Talent Agency)

(Mr.Zipay’s sitting at his desk in his office while Claire Jinx is sitting across from him)

MR. ZIPAY

(WHILE SMOKING A CIGAR)

Claire Jinx, my newest and hottest star client. Help me out here Claire, I found a wonderful part for you and you turned it down, why?

CLAIRE JINX

Because, in all of the movies you want me to audition for lately Mr. Zipay, it’s just the girlfriend of the lead or hey there’s that eye candy again! I want a challenge Mr. Zipay! Before I came to Hollywood, I starred in Shakespearean productions and now you want me tostar in a comedy called “Fartknockers 5”. Do you know how demeaning that is foran actress of my skillset?

MR. ZIPAY

Claire okay, you’re young and beautiful, enjoy this while you can because after you turn 30, your career’s pretty much over. But seriously “Fartknockers 5” is offering you 20 million dollars. That’s a lot of money to just look and act pretty!

CLAIRE JINX

I don’t need to sell out Mr. Zipay! Plus I read her part and she’s basically just treated like a sex object by Johnny Fartknocker throughout the movie. I only have three whole lines in the entire movie! Also, why should I get roles based on my looks alone?

MR.ZIPAY

Your looks help, damn it! Plus, I reviewed that script you wanted to audition for,you know, “The Calling”. That part is for a dude, right?

CLAIRE JINX

Yes,but when I read the part I thought the writer might be able to rewrite the character as a woman. I mean the character as a whole is pretty neutral so it wouldn’t change the plot that much to rewrite him as a her. The audience will still get the same reaction to the story.

MR. ZIPAY

But,listen to me closely Claire, this movie smells like a flop, and you just starred in a string of successful romantic comedies. I know if you star in this movie it’ll kill your career. But here’s a compromise, the part you want in “The Calling” is a doctor right, how about I cast you in the “Sexy Nurses” movie, huh?

CLAIRE JINX

Isn’t “Sexy Nurses” a pornographic film?

MR. ZIPAY

No,it’s an art piece about two sexy nurses who…alright, I’ll be honest isbasically another generic action/comedy about a man who’s a police officer by day and at night…he’s a porn star! It’s based on a true story! And Adam Sandler is playing the porn star cop and you’ll be a shoe in for the part of Sexy Nurse #2.

CLAIRE JINX

(ANNOYED TONE)

No, I hate Adam Sandler! He hasn’tdone anything funny since the 90’s! Now, please can I just try out for thatpart in “The Calling”?

MR. ZIPAY

Wait, how about this script! It’s perfect for you! And the only thing you have to do is wear a bikini and jog.And that movie is called “SHARK SUMMER”. It’s about a frat boy shark who…

CLAIREJINX

(ANNOYED TONE)

Wait, you mean all I do in the whole movie is wear a bikini and jog?

MR. ZIPAY

Yeah, and then frat boy shark sees you and says, ‘DAMN SHE’S FINE’…okay I’ll be honest with you again, there is nomovie called “SHARK SUMMER”, it’s just an ad for Carl’s Jr. You like hamburgers,right?

CLAIRE JINX

(OFFENDED TONE)

I’m a vegan!

MR. ZIPAY

AndI can’t eat pork! It’s acting baby! Acting is lying, so do you want the part or not!

CLAIRE JINX

I heard the local theater down the street is doing a production of Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” and I know that play by heart. Plus, it’ll show my fans that I’m more than just eye candy. I want to go back to my roots to the time before I became famous for those dull romantic comedies and that one movie where I played the girlfriend of some heartthrob mummy.

MR. ZIPAY

Oh that reminds me! “MUMMY BRO 2: THE AWAKENING OF PHARAOH” isfilming tomorrow and they need you to reprise your role.

CLAIRE JINX

But didn’t my character die in the first movie?

MR. ZIPAY

Yeah, but now your character comes back to life as an alligator and you and Mummy Bro’s new girlfriend fight for his heart!

CLAIRE JINX

Why is she an alligator now? These movies don’t make any sense!

MR. ZIPAY (WHILE LIGHTING UPANOTHER CIGAR)

Basically,because people love Mummy Bro’s catchphrase “See You Later Alligator” and now you come back as an alligator, so he sees you later as an alligator. DAMN THESE YOUNG WRITERS ARE BRILLIANT, THE MUMMY BRO SERIES IS GOING TO BE THE NEXT TWLIGHT!

CLAIRE JINX

Look, how about we do another compromise. I’ll star in that stupid “MUMMY BRO 2: THE AWAKENING OF PHARAOH” if you let me audition for the parts I want in “The Calling” and that local production of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”…

MR. ZIPAY

Only if you also star in “Sexy Nurses” too!

CLAIRE JINX

Fine…you have a deal!

(Claire Jinx and Mr. Zipay shake hands and Mr.Zipay takes another huff from his cigar)

MR. ZIPAY

Great! Oh, before I forget, you’re a guest tonight on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. I’ll have a limo pick you up at around 7!

CLAIRE JINX

Good, now I can promote my new album!

MR. ZIPAY

(WHILE SMOKING ACIGAR WHILE ALSO LEANING BACK ON HIS CHAIR)

Sure,whatever…

CLAIRE JINX

And I can also use this guest gig to come out of the closet to all of my fans as well!

MR. ZIPAY

(FREAKING OUT)

WAIT WHAT!

(Blackout.)

“The Writer’s Room”

By: Steven Bucky Butler

4/17/2016 (Version #2)

Priest Frollo-The head comedy writer and a medieval torturer, assertive, confident, very religious, old timer, wants to get his job done, doesn’t like sinners.

Jordan-A comedy writer and a former scientist, robot builder, stoner, genius, lonely,flirty, funny, socially awkward, and an asshole.

Gilligan Denver-A comedy writer and former janitor, grumpy, middle aged, suicidal, depressed, rarely happy, insane, but can hide it well, a loser who was once a successful individual.

Velvet-A comedy writer and former porn star, a popular girl stereotype, hates her adult life,hasn’t aged well, she’s moody, bossy, basically a bitch and a bully.

Felicity-An evil princess and a witch. She’s the former femme fatal of the Sinisters, looks and acts like a bitchy supermodel. Retired from a life of super villainy, she is now a feminist comedy writer.

Nancy-A middle aged woman who is overly quirky, a comedy writer who runs a vintage yarnshop on the side, loves to collect typewriters, makes a lot of weird noises and twitches a lot too.

(In a conference room at a local public access TV station studio)

(Priest Frollo is standing up next to a whiteboard with a marker in hand, while all the other writers are sitting around the conference room table)

PRIEST FROLLO

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just finished our first episode of “Public Access 7 Sketch Review”. The network heads just renewed us for a second episode, so now we, the comedy writers,have to write the best sketch to open our second episode. May the lord guide us in the quest for great comedy! Now, do you people have any ideas?

(Gilligan Denver raises his hand)

PRIEST FROLLO

(WHILE POINTING TO GILLIGAN DENVER)

Yes, Mr. Gilligan Denver. Do you have an idea to offer?

GILLIGAN DENVER

I don’t know anything about comedy writing! This is my third job after working as a janitor at the Pizza BrothersChinese/Pizza Place. But a better question… why is a freaking priest writing comedy?

PRIEST FROLLO

The lord works in mysterious ways, my son! Now, do you have any ideas for new comedy sketches?

GILLIGAN DENVER

Are you even listening to me? I have never performed comedy in my life! I delivered a pizza here to this TV station once and they wouldn’t let me leave! (YELLING) I hate my life, hate my job and I want to die!

JORDAN

Dude, you have pizza!

GILLIGAN DENVER

(POINTING TO JORDAN)

And you smell like marijuana!

JORDAN

You have weed too! Where have you been my whole life man?

(Jordan hugs Gilligan Denver and Gilligan pushes him away)

NANCY

Excuse me! I ran out of paper for my typewriter? Do we have any more paper?

(Nancy snaps her fingers and makes a farting noisewith her mouth)

VELVET

Wow Nerdy Nancy! Ever head of a laptop much!

JORDAN

Leave Nancy alone, Velvet! I think she should use a typewriter! Before I joined the comedy world, I used to build robots for a living! Let’s just say before we know it, your laptop will soon be typing on you, sister! I blew your mind! Robots are taking over!

FELICITY

Seriously people, let’s get back to writing a sketch here, but one with strong female characters! For God’s sake, between quirky Nancy and porn star Velvet,we have enough strong, powerful female characters here in real life!

GILLIGAN DENVER

Look who’s talking Felicity, I mean an evil, witch, princess super villain! Now, that’s realistic and empowering! Do you hear yourself talk? You think we’re damn idiots!

(Nancy begins barking like a dog for no reason while Priest Frollo is sniffing his marker)

PRIEST FROLLO

(WHILE SNIFFING HISMARKER)

Now, back to the task at hand! Let’s write a list of ten! Now, you all say one scene setting and I’ll write it down! Let’s start!

JORDAN

7-Eleven!

PRIEST FROLLO

(WHILE WRITING ON THEWHITE BOARD)

Good Jordan!

JORDAN

No! Like I have a wicked case of the munchies and could we do a 7-Eleven run?

VELVET

A movie studio!

FELICITY

Like you’ve ever been to one before,Velvet!

VELVET

Whatever Felicity! I’m like a movie star!

FELICITY

Porn doesn’t count Velvet!

NANCY

A yarn store! I also work at one on the side. Plus, my cats and I could use some friends…I mean customers!

(Nancy screams “whoop-poop” while Priest Frollo writes down yarn store on the whiteboard)

PRIEST FROLLO

Gilligan, you haven’t said anything yet! We need a setting!

GILLIGAN DENVER

(YELLING)

How about hell, Father Frollo! I’ll see you there tomorrow! Because I think tonight’s the night! I can’t take this crap anymore!

PRIEST FROLLO!

That’s not funny Mr. Denver!

GILLIGAN DENVER

(YELLING)

I’m not being funny! I’m pissed off over here! Being here with you and the rest of these jerks makes me want to leave this hellhole even more! Aw screw it, how about a video store!

PRIEST FROLLO

(WHILE WRITING ON THE WHITEBOARD)

Nice! Come on people we need 10 more ideas here!

FELICITY

How about a candy store!

JORDAN

(SHOUTS WITH JOY)

Wait there’s candy too! I love this place!

FELICITY

Oh, how about a workplace that pays men and women equally!

GILLIAN DENVER

So basically a fairy tale kingdom, eh Felicity!

FELICITY

If I weren’t the ruler of an actual fairy tale kingdom, I would be pretty pissed at you right now! (TO HERSELF) Note to self, put a curse on Gillian Denver!

VELVET

A strip club!

PRIEST FROLLO

Well, Miss Velvet. We have to keep this sketch show family friendly.

VELVET

Kids love stripers.

(Jordan pulls out a guitar and Priest Frollo puts his hand to his face)

PRIEST FROLLO

(SIGHING)

What are you doing now,Mr. Jordan?

JORDAN

Oh here’s something forlike the show or something! Me and my old comedy partner Michael wrote this song for our comedy duo act and here it is, take it Michael, Michael?

NANCY

(YELLING)

Na-Nu Na-Nu!

GILLIGAN DENVER

(CRYING)

Back in the 80’s I used to be a successful stockbroker! I was banging chicks left and right, and spending money like it was water! Now, I’m a prisoner of a local public access TV station! Forced to write comedy sketches against my will! What happened to me, man!

(Priest Frollo throws his arms up into the air and then points his marker at the comedy writers in vain)

PRIESTFROLLO

(ANNOYED)

You know what? I’m just going to tell the network to rerun The Donna Reed Show in our timeslot because we won’t make the deadline. You’re all dismissed and you are all going to turn in at least one sketch by next Tuesday. Lord, help me handle next Tuesday! You idiots will be the death of me!

NANCY

(SINGING)

DONG DINGBA WA! NARF!

(Blackout.)

“Chess”

By: Steven Bucky Butler

5/1/2016 (Version #1)

(Two old men are playing chess.)

OLD MAN #1

YOUR MOVE!

OLD MAN #2

YAHTZEE!

OLD MAN #!

KING ME!

OLD MAN #2

YOU SUNK MY BATTLE SHIP!

OLD MAN #1

DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $300!

OLD MAN #2

BINGO!

OLD MAN #1

CHECKMATE!

OLD MAN #2

(YELLING & CRYING)

WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO PLAY CHESS ANYMORE!

(Blackout.)

“The X-Men Rejects”

By: Steven Bucky Butler

11/3/2015 (Version #1)

Professor X-He is the founder and leader of the X-Men. Since Professor X is the leader a.k.a. boss he has to fire a few superheroes today. He is confined to a wheelchair.

The Scissor-A superhero whose only superpower is that he has a pair of scissors that he uses as a weapon. Insane, a madman, just plain nuts,and hyper active.

Chicken Man-He’s just a guy who wears a chicken suit that carries a gun that shoots chicken nuggets.

Break Man-He may sound like a legit superhero but his only power is that he’s really good at breakdancing which he uses to confuse and distract criminals.

Koala Girl-A young woman who dresses like a koala and she is able to talk to koalas and control koalas with her mind. Cute, tries her best, loves koalas, wants to keep her job, and basically wants to be the best.

(In a classroom at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters)

(Professor X is sitting in his wheelchair and the X-Men Rejects are standing in a row before him)

PROFESSOR X

Well, I gave you my all, I taught you what I can, but in the end each of you are utterly useless. I found out that only one of you is an actual mutant. I’m afraid I have to fire you all from the X-Men. Here’s a Rolex watch and a cookie.

KOALAGIRL

Hold it! We’re getting fired! But we’re great superheroes!

PROFESSOR X

(SIGHING)

No you’re not! Your powers, for example, are that you have koalas fight your battles for you! You know how useless a koala is? Yes they’re cute and all, but seriously this place smells like crap and your koalas attacked many of my students. I’m faced with so many lawsuits right because of all the koala attacks!

KOALA GIRL

So koalas are powerful?

PROFESSOR X

(ANNOYED)

Koala Girl, okay, you’re making this difficult! I mean yes koalas are animals and they do bite people sometimes! But a koala alone can’t stop Magneto. Plus, I hate animals in general. So just get out!

KOALA GIRL

(COCKY)

WHATEVER PROFESSOR X! I ALREADY GOT A JOB OFFER WITH THE AVENGERS ANYWAY! KOALA GIRL’S GONNA KICK SOME ULTRON ASS! BOOM! KOALA GIRL’S OUT OF HERE! COME ON MY DARLINGS!

(Koala Girl exits the scene with her pet koalas following behind her)

CHICKEN MAN

Do you guys want some nuggets?

PROFESSSOR X

Oh Chicken Man, a superhero whose main weapon is a gun that shoots chicken nuggets. Luckily, there’s hope for you my friend! I just sent your resume to McDonalds and they agreed to hire you, but only if you can just take off your chicken suit!

CHICKEN MAN

(YELLING)

NEVER! I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a duck. So I shake my butt! Na na nana na na na na na na na na!

PROFESSOR X

Why did you just yell the words to “The Chicken Dance” song?

CHICKEN MAN

I say these words as I leave, for I am the Chicken Man and I will never take this suit off! Ever! Good day Professor X! Thanks for the McDonalds job offer. But I think I’ll work for my Uncle Bruce Wayne instead.

(Chicken Man gets a text from Uncle Bruce Wayne and reads the text)

CHICKENMAN

My uncle’s here to pick me up! Good day peasants!

(BreakMan is looking out the window as Chicken Man exits the scene)

BREAK MAN

(POINTING OUT EXCITEDLY OUT THE WINDOW)

COOL! LOOK GUYS! THE BATMOBILE’S OUTSIDE! BATMAN’S GOING TO JOIN THE X-MEN NOW! Oh wait the Batmobile’s driving away. Sorry, false alarm fellas!

PROFESSOR X

Break Man! Do you know why you’re an X-Men Reject?

BREAK MAN

Because I can do this! HIT IT!

(Break Man begins breakdancing while Professor X has his hand over his face in embarrassment)

PROFESSOR X

Yes pretty much because of that! You’re fired now, get out of here!

(Break Man dances out of the scene and Professor X stares directly at The Scissor)

THE SCISSOR

(IN A VERY CREEPY TONE)

SCISSORS!

PROFESSOR X

Now as for you, The Scissor, I was actually proud of your work…

THE SCISSOR

(IN A CREEPY TONE WHILE CUTTING HIS SCISSORS)

SNIP! SNIP! CUT! CUT! CUT!

PROFESSOR X

But a lot of the students have complained about your afterschool behavior! As much as it pains me, you’re fired!

THE SCISSOR

(IN A CREEPY TONE)

THE BLADE IS FINALLY SHARP NOW! I’M FREE!

PROFESSOR X

(LAUGHING)

You always know how to make me laugh The Scissor!

THE SCISSOR

(IN A CREEPY TONE)

NEXT TIME WE MEET! MY BLADES WILL BE COVERED IN HELLFIRE BECAUSE WE’LL BE IN HELL! TOGETHER IN DEATH BUT NEVER IN LIFE!

PROFESSOR X

(LAUGHING)

You’re killing me bro! Ah! Anyway, best of luck to you, the world is at your mercy!

THE SCISSOR

(IN A CREEPY TONE)

INDEED! BEFORE I GO! I HAD ONE LAST QUESTION…

PROFESSOR X

What?

THE SCISSOR

(NORMAL TONE)

When will I get my severance package?

PROFESSOR X

Oh boy you’re a joker until the end…but no seriously just get the hell out of here!

(Blackout.)

Advertisement