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August 24, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Walmart announced it will begin offering vaccinations against HPV. If you're not familiar, one becomes vaccinated after being exposed to a weakened form of the virus or using a Walmart bathroom.

The mayor of Tampa, Fla., says he will cancel the Republican National Convention if the city is threatened by a hurricane. Double goes for a HermaCain.

A new poll says zero percent of African-Americans support Mitt Romney. And with a margin of error of 3%, it's possible there's African-Americans who don't even exist but don't like Mitt Romney.

Microsoft has updated its logo for the first time in 25 years. If it goes over well, it will also be the first time in 25 years a Microsoft update has succeeded.

New York State Senator Malcolm Smith is demanding an apology after rapper Lil Wayne said he didn't like New York. That's New York politicians: "We even make the man behind 'Army Gunz' seem mature."

Fox News revealed the identity of the Navy SEAL responsible for a book offering a first-hand account of the raid that killed Osama bin Laden. People are of course upset that Fox News is attempting to actually do news.

The man who killed John Lennon has been denied parole yet again. Meanwhile, courts are still encouraging someone to murder Ringo Starr.

Mitt Romney says he'll replace Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke if elected. Not surprisingly, the announcement has not raised Bernanke's interest levels.

Buzzfeed has discovered a humor piece from 1990 for the Harvard Law Review by Barack Obama titled "Between Barack and a Hard Place." The Harvard Law Review being a backup plan after Penthouse rejected it.

Additionally, the piece was written under the name Baroque Yo' Mama. Proving that Barack Obama has a sense of humor about being a giant nerd.

A study by the Pew Research Center says the middle class has shrunk by 10 percent since 1971. And if the projections are correct, they should all be Hobbits by 2023.

In Ohio, the childhood home of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer is up for sale. The mortgage is surprisingly low you'd think it snuck up behind you in a park late at night.